Marathon Year

For the past year and a half, I've had this constant nagging thought in my head. "I have to run a full marathon". Crazy, I know. Like I've said in post's before...I am not a natural runner, I work my butt off to run, sort of. But I love it. I loved it since 2007 when I ran my first 10K, and then went on to run my first half marathon...and then I got pregnant...with twins...and was put on bedrest...dang. It stopped, and I envied those people running on the Bedford highway as I drove to all my appt's with my OB. Yes, I know, all stuff I've mentioned before. So now here I am again, and back into the running. After running my first half marathon, I didn't think "I so want to run a full marathon". On the contrary...I thought why the hell would anyone want to run over 4 hours, I mean really, why??? 2 hours is a good enough workout, really 1 hours is sufficient, but 4hours, not me, I don't have the desire. It is not on my bucket list.

Well, not until my baby died.

And then something inside of me made me want to do it. silly, crazy, stupid, all of the above. you become someone you are not. You're life changes. things you thought you never would do, you want to do, and for me it is that 42 K course. Not that I think I necessarily CAN do it, I feel like I HAVE to do it. WhY?? I have no clue. But that is where I am. And for some reason, it has to be NEW YORK... again, I have no idea why. New York was on my mind right after Jessica passed away. this marathon is by lottery, you hope you get in, but it is pure luck of the draw. When my sister in law ran it years ago, the competition wasn't as bad and her and a couple of her best friends all got in, so in my mind I felt i would get in last year too. And it was actually a huge dissapointment that I didn't get in. I cried for days. Not just because I didn't get in, but because I felt like I let myself down, or that I let Jessica down...crazy I know. Crazy is just what parents of spirit babies are sometimes. People tell me all the time how lucky I am that Alyssa is doing so well, and I'm too nice to tell them what I really want to say. "Yes, I'm grateful, and absolutely thrilled that Alyssa and Emily are healthy and doing so well...but lucky? I wouldn't say I'm lucky, I held my baby in my arms and watched her die and turn blue, I couldn't do anything to fix all of her problems...is that luck to you, because it's not luck to me. I think it is only fair that my baby that did survive is doing well" there you go, I said it.

Ok, back to this marathon thing. So I've applied again this year. I can't get this big run out of my head. Normally...after a half marathon training, or during, I have some type of major injury, this time I didn't really train...meaning I didn't do the hills or speed, just casually ran through the week and did long runs on Sunday, and felt great, no injuries until this past week, where my knee felt like it was going to give out a couple days after the 20 K...but I think I'm recovering. So anyways in my mind, I'm thinking if I'm feeling ok, I should just continue to increase my mileage, and this will be the year....New york or not, this is my marathon year. I'm still a bit hesitant writing this and trying to commit to it, because I don't want to fail.
But I seriously cannot get the marathon out of my head. So whether it is NY (which I REALLY REALLY hope it is), or Toronto, or somewhere else...hopefully my knees will let me finish a full 26.2 miles this year. I will be 32 the year I run my first marathon, not a very important year for age, but crazy important year for accomplishment. Wish me luck, I think I've finally committed.