Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Them vs Us

When you lose a baby, the world feels like it is divided into those who have lost (US), and those who have not lost (THEM). Same feelings when you've been through the full NICU feel like you can relate and be yourself around those who understand your situation the most vs everyone else who has had a healthy happy pregnancy and delivery, and fortunate to have a happy healthy baby.

I'm sure it has been very obvious in most of my blog that I too have felt like this. Honestly, part of me will probably always feel this way. But I also feel lately that I am starting to become one of you...and starting to come over to the other side. I WAS a very angry person, I was very depressed, to the point where I didn't know if Keith and I would remain together, I spent all my time wondering why us, and really hating everyone else. I too felt SOME of the same things that many of my grief buddies still feel...upset to hear of friends/family's pregnancies, upset to see other pregnant women (well for me it is mainly seeing other sets of twins)....bitter that some people do not appreciate the children they have, and do not treat them as well as I would have treated and cared for Jessica, angry on how ungrateful some people are....etc. I've found that in meeting with my grief buddies lately, sometime I feel more down and depressed after meeting up with them then I did before. I think it is great that we can all "rant" to each other, and I will always listen...but I don't feel the same way they do about everyone. I don't think you are all ungrateful, and I don't think everyone means to hurt us baby lost mamma's intentionally...I mean really, we are all hurt very easily and can take anything that anyone says personally, so I feel for YOU too...

Babies are miracles. They are SO amazing and wonderful, and almost all babies are incredibly cute, and so helpless and innocent. But in saying that, they are also a lot of work, and can be tiring at times. Mom's who have lost their only babies, don't see this side of it, because they've never experienced all the joy and stress of their baby here on earth very long. I've been on both sides at the same time, and although I would take having my baby here on earth more then anything, I still wine occasionally too, but NOT to my grief buddies. I'm writing this because I often feel that people think they cannot "rant" to me about their stressors, or how difficult life can be with one, or two babies especially. Maybe a couple months ago...fair enough I probably would have thought..."how ungrateful you are to complain about how busy and tired you are with one or two happy they are alive." This was me still feeling sorry for myself...which I will probably continue to do on and off for years to come. But in reality, life can be stressful and tiring. I get exhausted with one baby and an older sibling from time to time, it is not a piece a cake. Thankfully, Alyssa finally started sleeping through the night...she was never a great night sleeper or day napper. Just because I complain, does not mean that I am ungrateful, nor is everyone else. I feel for you mothers who have twins during the busy and hectic times...I want to be you, but also wonder how you do it. I envy you.

Yesturday I went to the IWK for Alyssa's 3rd RSV shot. I met a friend of mine who is a wonderful mom to twin boys. Sometimes I feel like everytime she sees me, she feels she needs to tell me how grateful she is, vision problems and all. I know you are grateful, and busy, and sometimes probably also miss your time to yourself. You are allowed to complain to me G :)During this visit I also saw a young girl in a full body wheelchair with many gadgets. She couldn't talk or move, or eat. I saw her blink. I don't know her story, and I have no right to guess it. But at that moment I knew that I didn't want Jessica to have to suffer like that. I knew that I would never want her to live with no quality of life (even though I know she would never have lived that long), seeing her made me realize that our decision was the right one for us.

The purpose of this post was to simply say. I love my babies with all my heart, but some nights I am so happy it is time for bed.