Friday, September 17, 2010

Jenn's rant # ?

4 tiny hands covered with tape for their IV's... 4 tiny feet with one blue great toe. In the first 24 hours I didn't worry about Jessica living, I worried about her losing her toes.

Born into very warm arms and many loving hearts. I was truly happy and understood what it meant to feel gratitude.
Our family was complete, or so I thought at the time.

Then one month later I realized my family would never feel complete. And gratitude changed to despair, I knew Keith nor I would ever hold our twin girls together again.

That despair is still being managed, but the gratitude has returned and will always be with me.

Alyssa is TWO...she is incredible and she makes me smile everyday. She talks, she walks, she sings (very poorly like all Flynn's do), and you would never know how sick she once was by simply looking at her.

In the past year she's grown up so much. I think we all have. Maybe myself the most. Although I still can be an emotional wreck, I feel like I can handle alot. And very little unrelated to my family bothers me. Work does not stress me out, money does not stress me out, a messy house without supper made bothers me, but does not stress me out, trying to achieve a specific goal race time does not stress me out. But my kids being sick stresses me out. Give this one to me.

Here's my rant for the year (the edited version)

Alyssa's first year home, she was well protected from colds, extremely careful hand washing and mask wearing as necessary. She also received RSV shots during that year. The second year I was back to work and she was at a home sitter, so exposed to more virus's of course. Three colds that developped into pneumonia, and one that hospitalized her for half a week because of RSV and pneumonia. Some friends use to say that I shouldn't have isolated her so much her first year, so that her body will become more immune to these viruses. I can understand this, but I think very differently at the same time. They never really got it that her lungs are damaged, and the older she gets they will continue to develop making her less succeptible to getting SO sick. I don't want to build up her immune system before her lungs can really handle it. So will I continue to shelter, not like the first year, but I will still avoid any colds for playdates when possible. We are now starting back into cold/RSV season, and I am a bit stressed out. Alyssa has a cold now, I'm sure many people thought I overeacted when I took her to the paediatrician because I thought she was getting pneumonia again. I hate worrying about a cold, but it started as a simple cold last March that had her admitted into the hospital with RSV and pneumonia. I really don't care what people think. And I certaintly don't minimize anyone else's worry when it comes to their children, I hear this worry never ends...

And if it is not colds, then it is something else...

Several months ago, Alyssa started this new thing. They call it "breath holding". It scared the living shit out of me the first time it happened...Alyssa started crying over something silly, like Emily took her toy...she couldn't catch her breath...she turned blue....I tried flicking her toes, blowing in her face, everything we did when she had apneas in the NICU, but nothing worked, she passed out in my arms. This all happened in minutes and within 10 seconds or so later she came to. But in that time a million things went through my head...I thought about calling 911... I thought about starting CPR...I thought, I lost her.

I never told anyone that, not even Keith at the time. This happened 3 other times since then, and even though I've done my research, talked with her pediatrician who said this happens in some kids with no resulting damage...I still hate it, and I feel my heart stop for a second.

Any major skin color changes...especially blue, loss of consciousness, and/or extreme difficulty in breathing, terrifies me. And and I know logically that not everyone that turns blue and stops breathing for a couple seconds will die, I really do...but at that moment I feel despair all over again, and wonder if I'll ever be free of the fear of losing another child.