Marathon Year

For the past year and a half, I've had this constant nagging thought in my head. "I have to run a full marathon". Crazy, I know. Like I've said in post's before...I am not a natural runner, I work my butt off to run, sort of. But I love it. I loved it since 2007 when I ran my first 10K, and then went on to run my first half marathon...and then I got pregnant...with twins...and was put on bedrest...dang. It stopped, and I envied those people running on the Bedford highway as I drove to all my appt's with my OB. Yes, I know, all stuff I've mentioned before. So now here I am again, and back into the running. After running my first half marathon, I didn't think "I so want to run a full marathon". On the contrary...I thought why the hell would anyone want to run over 4 hours, I mean really, why??? 2 hours is a good enough workout, really 1 hours is sufficient, but 4hours, not me, I don't have the desire. It is not on my bucket list.

Well, not until my baby died.

And then something inside of me made me want to do it. silly, crazy, stupid, all of the above. you become someone you are not. You're life changes. things you thought you never would do, you want to do, and for me it is that 42 K course. Not that I think I necessarily CAN do it, I feel like I HAVE to do it. WhY?? I have no clue. But that is where I am. And for some reason, it has to be NEW YORK... again, I have no idea why. New York was on my mind right after Jessica passed away. this marathon is by lottery, you hope you get in, but it is pure luck of the draw. When my sister in law ran it years ago, the competition wasn't as bad and her and a couple of her best friends all got in, so in my mind I felt i would get in last year too. And it was actually a huge dissapointment that I didn't get in. I cried for days. Not just because I didn't get in, but because I felt like I let myself down, or that I let Jessica down...crazy I know. Crazy is just what parents of spirit babies are sometimes. People tell me all the time how lucky I am that Alyssa is doing so well, and I'm too nice to tell them what I really want to say. "Yes, I'm grateful, and absolutely thrilled that Alyssa and Emily are healthy and doing so well...but lucky? I wouldn't say I'm lucky, I held my baby in my arms and watched her die and turn blue, I couldn't do anything to fix all of her problems...is that luck to you, because it's not luck to me. I think it is only fair that my baby that did survive is doing well" there you go, I said it.

Ok, back to this marathon thing. So I've applied again this year. I can't get this big run out of my head. Normally...after a half marathon training, or during, I have some type of major injury, this time I didn't really train...meaning I didn't do the hills or speed, just casually ran through the week and did long runs on Sunday, and felt great, no injuries until this past week, where my knee felt like it was going to give out a couple days after the 20 K...but I think I'm recovering. So anyways in my mind, I'm thinking if I'm feeling ok, I should just continue to increase my mileage, and this will be the year....New york or not, this is my marathon year. I'm still a bit hesitant writing this and trying to commit to it, because I don't want to fail.
But I seriously cannot get the marathon out of my head. So whether it is NY (which I REALLY REALLY hope it is), or Toronto, or somewhere else...hopefully my knees will let me finish a full 26.2 miles this year. I will be 32 the year I run my first marathon, not a very important year for age, but crazy important year for accomplishment. Wish me luck, I think I've finally committed.

I really miss maternity leave. Or at least wish I was young enough to retire (or rich enough). I miss the no rush, laid back, disorganized lifestyle I had months ago.

Work does have it's perks... I enjoy my hour at lunch without someone crying, or wanting to be held, or without having to help feed or me trying to convince my 3 year old how yummy her lunch is and how it will make her big enough so that she will be able to go on the rides at DisneyWorld...yes, I enjoy being able to go for a run and not feeling guilty that the kids are home waiting for me so I need to rush back. And a staff room full of women with some good gossip and entertaining conversation, and stories of kids similar in age to mine that make me feel like I'm not alone with parenting.

However... I hate early morning rushes...5 minute showers, quick brush of the teeth, my usual ponytail hair non brushed of course, waking up sleepy children and dressing them as they are just starting to open their eyes and then telling them to eat their breakfast as quick as they can....oh and don't poop whatever you do because we'll never make it in time for carpool!! On a good day I can scarf down a bowl of cereal, and if I'm really lucky grab a cup of coffee (thank goodness for the 1 cup Keurig). And then there is the supper rush which I do alone and am not enjoying so much either. I pick the girls up from the sitter's, Alyssa is absolutely starving and wanting supper ASAP, therefore supper for that night must be cooked the night before so it only needs to be heated up as I walk through the door....I feel like I am always rushing, and for someone as laid back as I am, or so I thought I was, life seems unecessarily stressful at times. Does it ever get any easier, or will I need to always be this organized with meal planning and cleaning...wait a second, No, that is for the housekeeper...who I don't absolutely love, but she does more then I will do weekly. or will she? there is still the constant never ending laundry, breakfast/suppertime dishes and cleaning up toys that is only some of the typical daily chores. The actual work day itself is usually great...until someone tells you how to do your job that is, which luckily doesn't happen that often....
it's just the rushing, I would like to slow down again to maternity style tempo. I wasn't lazy, just relaxed.

How I wish I could sleep in tomorrow with my husband, drink my coffee, go for a run, play with my kids... and still get paid.