This is a really tricky question to answer. Because YES for the most part I want people to feel they can ask me questions. Talking about Jessica helps me. I know there is not as much to tell as you may be able to say about your 3 year old, where she only lived for a month, but talking about her, even if it is the same thing over and over again, helps me. But I have to be in the right mood for this, sometimes I don't want to cry, sometimes I don't want to be weak and uncontrollable. That is when I will answer questions without emotions. For example, I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and some of my girlfriends were drinking and were feeling a little more daring to say something to me. I'm ok with this, and if it wasn't a birthday party I may have gotten into it a little more. They were very sincere and asking very appropriate questions...but for me, it just wasn't the right place, so I answered rather unemotionally and as brief as possible.
Some of the people I really want to talk with are the people who were there...the people who may be able to fill in all the blanks of the stuff I was too frazzled too remember, like the nurse who was with us our last night, and the nurses the day before and the day after, Sharla, Charlotte, Dr. J. They can answer all of the questions that I've already asked a million times.
Do you initiate conversation about him or her?
Maybe too often. I am asked at least once a week by either someone in the grocery store or someone from the running room how many children I have. Although it would be much easier and more comfortable to say "2 girls", I just can't. I can't leave out the fact that I had 3 daughters. So sometimes this conversation ends there, it often does. But then other times, it goes a little further...because they ask their ages, and then they realize "oh you had twins", so they wonder where Alyssa's sister is...and so depending on my mood, I pick which direction in the fork on the road to travel. Sometimes I'm honest, especially if it is someone I am going to see again, and I tell them about losing my child. Soon I am not going to have any more running buddies because every Sunday lately, this seems to be the topic of conversation, a couple people were obvious they regretted bringing it up, and others chatted a long way about it. But then there are other days when I lie through my teeth. Last week I was having some blood work done. Alyssa was with me, and for small talk they asked me how many kids, ages, etc...So I told her. Then she went on about how busy I must be, and asked where Jessica was...I told her it was very busy, but so much fun to see the girls interacting so much, and Emily just loves her twin sisters, and my parents who live in Bedford with us were looking after Jessica, because I am trying to have one on one time with each girl to give them a little independence and to feel special. Oh and you should have seen them at their birthday how sweet they were dressed alike, because I do dress them alike quite often...It sounded so great as I told it. But then it was time to go, I knew I would never see her again.
How do you commemorate your child? Necklace? Ink? Photographs? What objects or images link you to your child?
I thought about getting a tattoo, Keith more then me, but it just hasn't happened yet. I wear a necklace that was given to me by one of my best friends. It is a heart within a heart, I always think of Jessica when I wear it. I also have a family ring that Keith had bought for me for Mother's Day last year. By the time the ring was actually ready, Jessica was gone. I wasn't able to wear my wedding rings or family ring while in the hospital when holding Alyssa and with all the hand washing. I never wore my rings again until early February. When I finally went to wear the family ring...one emerald stone was missing, I haven't put it on since, and plan to get it fixed before I do. I also have the blanket she had with her the last couple days she was alive. I keep it in Alyssa's crib.
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