Finishing up a year of Firsts

I'm not a regular blogger. Throughout the year, I blogged when I needed to rant, or update, or just pour out my heart. Instead I read other people's blogs.
There is this place where I hang out once in a while. It's a place where I feel I can be myself, even if I'm just there being quiet and not participating. I sit, and read, and cry and nod my head in complete agreement, and think "how do you know exactly how I am feeling?". Well that's easy, because most of the other "friends" at this place, have been through the horror of losing a child. Where is this place where I can be honest and grieve and not be afraid who is judging me??? It's a website called glowinthewoods.com and it has probably been the best therapy to me all year. The women who started the group are real writers, they are good, amazing writers, and every post is so well written that I leave there amazed at how well they can affect people. Often there is a story behind every post and it all leads up to a question at the end. Questions that always make you think, because it is something I've thought about at one point this year. It may even be something that I already wrote about in the past, and then I see it again. I rarely post my replies on the website, but today I decided to sift through some of the questions that I thought I would like to answer, and post them here for you today and in the next couple of days. So here is my first rather lengthy reply to a question I thought appropriate as we approach the anniversary of Jessica's death.


Did you perform a ceremony to remember and honour your child? What was your favorite part of that terrible day? What prayer or poem or song lyrics did you use in the ceremony? What changed for you before and after that day if anything?

As some of you may remember, we had a memorial service for Jessica at the JA Snow Funeral Home. For me, I needed to have a service. I wanted a church service initially, I wanted an open caskett to show everyone how beautiful she was, I wanted a burial service. I wanted so much to happen for this day, and I wanted everything perfect to honour her completely. We didn't have a church service because we couldn't play the music we wanted or add the special touches that we felt we needed. We wanted to play the song "Precious child" during the ceremony. We wanted pictures at the front of the service and Jessica's clothes and blood pressure cuff, and hair and all the little things showing how tiny she was. We wanted to tape the service...although the lady who was suppose to press play forgot. We wanted a good location for everyone so that our friends from work and the IWK could make it, and we thought Bedford was too much out of the way. We couldn't have an open caskett, because her little body was so tiny that they couldn't put enough make-up on her to really show her true beauty. They told me they couldn't do her justice. I had hoped that I could hold her one last time after the wake. To hold her and tell her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was, sorry for any pain she went through. Sorry that I didn't help bath her, or sorry that I didn't spend more time with her at the hospital. I loved her so much, but honestly it may have been better not having a casket, because I'll tell you, holding a dead baby is extremely painful. You can't hold them and be happy for them that they had a good life, that they experienced so much...because she didn't, she had a month. A month hooked up to wires and machines, and her guts cut open and resting on the outside of her body. She had pain. And she missed out on a great life.

Because there was no wake, no caskett, we had her little body cremated, which helped in our decision about burial. At first the funeral director had told me that because she was so tiny, she would have very few ashes. This really upset me. The thought of her entire life being burned and only having a tsp of ashes to show for it, was actually quite devasting to think about. So I was maybe inapropriately pleased when I realized that her ashes actually filled the entire little urn. This was also a very difficult moment, seeing what was left of Jessica in an urn for the very first time. Last time we saw her, she was in our arms, now she was in a container, much smaller then the incubator she lived most of her life. She still rests on our mantle piece, because we dont' know where we want to bury her, or where to scatter her ashes. I really just can't imagine her being anywhere else right now.

Although everything didn't go exactly the way we wanted this day, we did feel a sense of contentment in that she was truly honoured. My favorite part of the day was seeing our coworkers, friends and family. I had no idea who was going to show up for the service. I hoped many of our friends would come, but it was on a Tuesday so difficult for people who lived away to come. That was another thing that didn't go as planned. We wanted the service on Satuday so friends and family could travel and people wouldn't have to take the time off work, but there wasn't enough time to put the obituary in the paper, have everything organized, and also the funeral home was booked. But it didn't matter. Because the chapel was packed. Everyone came regardless of what day it was. Every single one of Keith's close friends (they call themselves the Eds) showed up, I honestly did not expect it. Friends of mine from Fredericton, Moncton came, my Nanny, my aunts and uncle, Keith's aunts and uncles, friends of our family, two full rows of my coworkers, Keith's coworkers, nurses from the IWK, Dr. J.... families and friends from here and away...Seeing the chapel full, helped us so much. It helped us to remember that Jessica's one month alive WAS important and she was honoured. I may have ranted in the past about everyone saying the wrong things to us at the time...but do you think I remember what anyone said to me at the time anymore? Not really, but I remember who was there for us. We needed everyone one of you, and we continue to need your friendships and support, thank you for being there for us.

It has been over a year since Jessica and Alyssa's birthday, and next weekend will be the anniversary of Jessica's death. What has changed since that day? I still feel empty inside, I still feel the pain, but I dont' think about it daily. I do what I have to do to be "normal". For me, thinking about the girls birthday coming up, was worse then the actual day. I cried thinking about running on Mother's Day...and remembering where I was year ago at that time. The day itself was rainy and cold, but it was nice. I spent it with my Mom, ran a half marathon with my Dad, went out to breakfast, limped along the rest of the day. Keith took Alyssa's actual birthday off, we shopped. ALOT. I cried once. I cried when I sang happy birthday to her, it came out of nowhere, but then I was fine. I cried thinking about her birthday party coming up on the weekend. I cried thinking about singing Happy Birthday and looking around the room and seeing 3 sets of twins, Alyssa's NICU survivor friends. On the actual day, I was a warrior. I didn't look at anyone other then Alyssa and I sang and held back my tears as difficult as it was, and I was SO very happy for Alyssa. She is an incredibly happy baby. It wasn't until Alyssa's follow up appointment the following week where I completely lost it on the way home in the car. It was unexpected. I have been to the IWK since, I've been to the NICU since, but for some reason this day, everything hit home, and all those memories from last summer hit me and reminded me of what I've been trying so hard to forget, or push aside. Together as a family and with our friends support, we made it through most of the "firsts" of our first year missing Jessica...This Friday will be our last day of firsts. I can't really say I will ever be ok, knowing what I know, and remembering our loss, but time has helped, getting through our first year has helped, and knowing all of you has helped.