Remembering

I feel a little bit like a jack-in-the box. It's been over a month since my last blog entry and now I feel like I've just popped out of the box and have so much to say. I haven't decided yet if this will be one long blog entry, or a couple different posts, I'm thinking a couple different posts.

The past month and a half home has been wonderful, really. We've had lots of appointments, lots of visitors and only one little scare. We've had 2 follow-up appointments and 3 Dr's appointments. Alyssa now weighs 9 lbs 13oz, she was taken off the fortifier formula, so she is now only drinking breastmilk, and still growing well with it. The fortifier gave her an extra couple of calories for her feeds. Her eyes are doing well, she has been cleared at her last checkup for ROP, which was a huge relief. Therefore will only have to get her eyes checked again at a year. Her most alert time of the day is after supper, and she stays awake until it is time for bed which is usually close to 10-11pm.

All is well, and I fit into 3 pairs of my pants. My second week home I started running again, and it really feels great. Running has always been my time to think, and reflect...if I'm angry I work through it, if I'm sad...the run lifts up my spirits, and if I'm already happy...it makes me even happier. In the spring I'm planning on running another half marathon, but I'm looking for one with purpose. The only ones that have really caught my eye so far, are the Team Hole in the Wall runs which are for seriously ill children to enable them to go to camps free of charge with all the medical help they will need. I love running, but I am not a natural runner. I'm not like my brother Jamie who can decide one day that he is going to go out and run a 10 K without any training. I struggle to get out the door some days, and I don't always feel great during my runs, but almost always feel great at the end. When I run now, I think of Jessica...and I think of all the other babies and parents who've been through what we've been through. The families who lose a child, and the children who survive but are left with no or very little of a quality of life. After every thing we've been through, and from reading what others have been through, I feel like I need to make a difference...whether it's making some donations, talking to other familes, or running a marathon, just something that helps me feel like I am keeping Jessica alive. October 15 is a day to remember.

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day recognized throughout the States and just recently in Ontario and New Brunswick, where they have already established some "Walks to remember". The first Walk to Remember was held in 1986 in Chicago, Illinois to walk the steps that our little ones never had the chance to make themselves. In 1988, President Reagan proclaimed:

"National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems."

Presently, this day is not recognized in NS as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, but I'm sure it will be in the future if I have anything to do with it. All over the world, from 7-8 pm candles with be lit to remember Jessica, to remember ALL babies who have died from miscarriage, stillborn, neonatal death, and SIDS. If everyone lights a candle for this hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world for this day. I think that is pretty cool. This helps me to feel like it is "ok" to grieve, and it is ok to talk about Jessica, and let people know that I need my family and friends to remember Jessica with me. Keith and I will be going to the IWK that evening in the chapel where other parents grieving for their loss will attend the candle light ceremony. So I invite you all to light a candle for this hour, for Jessica, and/or for friends and families of yours who have suffered loss of a baby in any way.

Well my tears have slowed down in the past month. I hadn't cried in a long time... not until this past Tuesday with my last bereavement session. I've been attending grief work sessions for the past 7 weeks. I am feeling better, but I am not sure if this is because of the sessions, time, or my busy schedule. I feel a little bit like the outsider in my group, because I am the only mother who lost their baby after a month. The others had stillborn babies. Since my pregnancy, I will always fear delivering prematurely, but now I think I will also fear delivering full term to a stillborn. I never realized how common this occurs. Imagine making to 37 weeks of your pregnancy to find out your baby has no heart beat. Although we lost our babies under different circumstances, we still share the fact that we are all grieving for our children. These women have as many "what if"questions as I do...what if they had a c-section a week earlier, a couple days' earlier??? It's scary really. I don't mean to scare anyone, because really, in most situations our babies come out into the world crying and into our arms warm and cuddly, but not more loved then if they were stillborn, or only with us for a month.

On Tuesday, we had our own little candle ceremony remembering our babies, and watching the flame initiated my tears and all my thoughts and dreams that I had for Jessica. It's just like our facilitator told us day 1...our grief is unpredictable and will not likely progress in an orderly fashion. When we least expect it, even if we're feeling completly "normal", something happens that overwhelms us. I won't "get over" it, but am starting to "live with it"