feels like home

I took my second night off from the hospital tonight and went on a boat cruise with the wonderful nurses I work with at the HI. Last night I went to "what's for supper" in preparation for Alyssa coming home. I may have drank more then I can handle from being off all alcohol for a couple of months since Jessica passed away, which God knows I drank too much during that month. But it was nice to take a night off, and drink....and dance, and laugh...and smile. It's been SO long since I've felt somewhat NORMAL. Thank you Angela, Karen, Chris, Heather, Sheila, Anne, ... and everyone for helping me have a normal night...and more...You have no idea how nice it is to feel "normal."

It's been a long time coming. We really are ready to come home...we deserve to take our baby home. We are ready on so many ways....but yet so unprepared when it comes to saying goodbye to the friends/family we've been close to over the last 3-4 months. We've had wonderful care. The staff at the IWK are better then great, they are fantastic,...from the nurses to the friendly cleaning staff and ward clerks. We've had 3 main primary nurses who I cannot even think of a gift that would thank them enough for the time they've spent into caring for my girls and myself and Keith. Charlotte, Sharla and Courtney...you have made this long journey bearable for us. We could never have made it through without your hugs, your compassion, your sweet talks, and encouragement. YOu've all been there for us from the beginning and so close to the end, and we love you all so much. Charlotte who has been as close to me as my own mother...from the first week the girls were born...from the day Alyssa became critically ill, from the day Jessica passed away...from the second time Alyssa had an infection, to transitional care and hopefully until discharge...you have helped me get through everything more then you will ever know, and I love you like a member of my family....
And to Courtney, sweet Courtney...you've also touched our hearts from the beginning. Your creative talent with making the girls footprints, dressing up the albums, making the Father's day card for Keith from Alyssa...it's all wonderful...I will never live up to your beautiful matching beds, for you have been the most organized and color coordinated photogenic person I have ever met, and I love you dearly for being there for us. YOu will make the most beautiful bride this coming October!
Oh Sharla, although you may be a later bloomer, with only meeting our darling Jessica before surgery, you showed us from the beginning that you had what it took to be an important part of our little circle. You held a special part in our heart since the surgery, which grew much deeper when we realized how sick our little girl was. You stood by us, and told us what we needed to hear. We had to make the most difficult decision in our lives, and you made it seem possible and the only right decision. You helped us get through it all, and we will never forget you for this. I love you so much!!! I'm crying here thinking about not properly saying goodbye to you as we will be gone before you return from Vancouver.

We were so lucky to have these 3 wonderful people share our journey with us. We also had a couple more primary nurses who unfortunately were unable to follow us much after NICU 1. Shelley, who was Jessica's primary, who took Jessica out for her first kangaroo cuddle with me...definetly touched mine, Keith's and Jessica's hearts. Tara who was only primary for a short period of time for Jessica, but who was also very kind to all of us. And finally Rosanne, who we equally loved, but unfortunately was an E nurse therefore unable to spend much time with us in transitional. And Paula, who we met later in transitional, but who allowed me to spill my heart out to...which was a huge step in my "therapy", you will not be forgotten...

So here I am struggling, thinking on how I will say goodbye to all of these people who have touched my heart so much. I am so happy..to think that I can finally have a normal life home, but yet so sad that Jessica's only life was where we will be leaving so soon. The IWK was her home, and I feel like I am leaving her. I love her so much, it's extremely difficult to be so happy and yet so sad in the same minute. She is our angel, and now has a home in heaven, when she should have a home with us. She definetly left too soon...