Jenn's rant #5

Today I looked at myself in the mirror with disgust, totally grossed out with the way I look and have looked for a long time now. Here I am almost 4 months after giving birth to twins, and tiny twins mind you...and still overweight and not fitting into any of my pre-maturnity clothes. Every morning I go through the same dilemma of what to wear. I sift through all the dirty clothes that are thrown on the floor, the dresser and even in the laundry bin in search of something that will look half decent, and not make me look fatter. With no time to do my own laundry for over a week now (however I do have time to catch up on facebook and read other peoples blogs until 2 am...), I do the smell test. Shirts don't usually pass, but pants and shorts seem to last for a long time. My good old beige maternity shorts with the high elastic waist to cover my protruding belly and a baggy t-shirt or tank-top...although tanks show off my not so flattering arms.

With Emily, the weight seemed to come off much easier. We did lots of walking, the nursing may have helped, I fit into my clothes quickly, even though I still carried a lot of baby weight. I ran a lot which was probably the biggest help. Different story this time. Although you'd think the stress of all of this would make me a mini-me, the Ronald McDonald room and all of its baked goodies have tempted me to much. Every day there are 3 volunteer shifts. And each shift the volunteers bake something delicious...usually the traditional chocolate chip cookies are a favorite, and then there are muffins, other cookies, rolls, cakes...you name it. Walking into a room with such a delicious smell makes it very difficult to not at least try one....of everything. I've never had great willpower, which is why I don't keep sweets or chips in the house. If it's there I eat it. So my best option is to just stay away from the room, however, this is where I usually eat my lunch unfortunately. Which is another problem. Up until yesturday, I bought my lunch almost every day I was here, although I tried to be healthy, it doesn't always work that way....especially since most days I am so rushed in the morning that I forget to feed myself breakfast, so by lunch, I am starved.

As I see all the "skinny" women walk past me, I want to vomit as I have been here the longest and could still pass as a pregnant woman. Monday, I made a batch of the old faithful...taco soup in hopes that by eating this, I will a) save some money, and b) eat healthy and lose some weight. This week I went 3 full days without eating any cookies, and to no surprize lost over 7 lbs from the "no cookie diet". Friday's is my cookie pass day...but only 2.
Well it was until 1 hour ago, when I could smell fresh blueberry muffins in the oven. So I cheated again, and tomorrow will go through the same feelings of disgust as I look at myself in the mirror again....and sift through all of my dirty laundry in hope that my beige shorts that I wore all week will still smell pretty.

There is some positive to being overweight though. When the weight eventually comes off, people usually notice and give you nice compliments. And for me, I'm kind of a yo-yo. In one year I could gain and lose 5 times, so although everyone just stays quiet during the gaining period and talk among themselves "have you seen Jen lately, she's gained a lot of weight"....that means 5 times of compliments when I lose weight....ha! So there you skinny girls...all you can do is change your hair style or something to change your look...

The time factor is always the problem. I love running, and if I had the time i would run every day, every morning. but when you are up till 1-2 am most nights (come on I need some down time too)...early morning runs don't seem so fun.
Well now that I've ranted to God knows how many people, maybe now I will do something about it...and next time you see me, just maybe I'll be wearing something other then my beige maternity shorts, or maybe not.