Jenn's rant #3

I don't really know where to begin, or even what to write about, but feel like I should be saying something..anything. I'm feeling a little lost for words, but I'm sure they will come as I start to type. One day I feel ok, and I feel strong, and think that things happened for a reason and Jessica is at peace. And the next day, or even the next hour I am sad, depressed and angry. I feel like the memorial service was so long ago, and I don't like that feeling. Every day I come from the hospital I go through Jessica's pictures, and watch the video so that I am spending time with ALL of my girls. I am still wearing Jessica's hospital bracelet, I can't seem to take it off yet, nor can Keith. I still carry around her blanket with me, although I've been better to not have it every second of every day, like a couple days ago. However I do need it to sleep with every night. I haven't been able to finish the diary that I started in the NICU for Jessica about her progress. I still feel like she is here and sometimes talk about her like she really is...so please ignore my "crazy talk".

I spend my nights thinking about every possible thing that could have been different during my pregnancy, or during the month she was with us. And I still wonder...why us? It's awful to think...but I see these Mom's out smoking daily, and then coming to see there baby's in the NICU to cuddle and nurse, and they have good size babies...why are they so lucky... and us so unlucky? I never smoked, I never drank, I ate relatively healthy, exercised up until I was put on bedrest, drank all of the high protein drinks, pumped milk for my girls...and yet this is the fate we were given. It seems unfair to me. It seems unfair that any child should leave before their parents. That is not the way any of us plan for it.


I wonder whether or not if the girls came two weeks earlier, like they were trying to at 23.5 weeks if things would have been different. If all of Jessica's problems that they say happened in utero could have been prevented. But then both girls may have had major bleeds from prematurity, or may not have survived birth altogether. And Alyssa could be doing worse if she were born two weeks earlier. I guess we'll never know, which makes it so hard to deal with thinking about the "why's, the what if's, and the how come's". I think out loud a lot now.

People keep telling me how strong I am, which really couldn't be further from the truth. I am a very good actress. In public I put on a good show, and sometimes I even believe that I have strength, but I break down a lot in my own time, and hold it together for every one else. Keith and I are very fortunate to have Emily, and also Alyssa. But it doesn't make things easier. One does not take away the grief we feel for Jessica, they are seperate. So if you're ever looking for the "right" thing to say to either one of us...it's definetly not "well at least you have Alyssa". If anything, it makes it harder that Jessica had an identical twin sister. I am reminded every day of losing Jessica when I walk into the NICU, and see a baby that looks exactly like Jessica did. And as she grows up, we'll constantly be reminded on how beautiful Jessica would be too. Since my twin cousins were born, over 17 years ago, I always hoped that I would have twins. And I did, but I wish it lasted longer. It is hard seeing other twins. I am very jealous, because that is what I am suppose to have, someday hopefully it will get easier.

For the moment, I am back to taking one day at a time. Keith and I have made sure that we've been there for each other. It's hard because we each have our feelings and moments at different times, but we do our best to be there, or give space as much as needed. Our family and friends have been wonderful throughout all of this. The support that was shown at Jessica's memorial service was amazing, and I thank everyone for being there for us. We are so lucky to have such amazing people in our lives. The best thing for us, is to know that we can talk to you about Jessica, we enjoy telling people about her, and showing pictures. By letting us cry when we need to, and not pretending that everything is ok...because it is not...this is what will help us get through this.

I hope that I haven't scared other mom's with all my blogs, because our situation was very rare. I've heard many positive stories of women with TTTS, and many positive stories with babies born at 25 weeks, and weighing less then 2 lbs. Just remember when things are really bad...all you can do is take one day at a time. And trust that your faith will help you eventually get through everything.