confessions of a runner mom

I am an adrenaline junkie.  I thought it was running, and I think it mostly is, but after getting back into spin class...listening to blaring music, like Sandstorm by Darube and Rob Zombie, listening to the instructor yelling out instructions for the next drill, as sweat is running down my entire body, and my breathing is heavy and I'm feeling a little dizzy....HOTT I know, I wonder if it is the actual running or the adrenaline from a great high intensity workout. 

Running makes me a better person.  it makes me a better mom, which means I haven't been such a great mom lately.  I feel very snappy and annoyed, and then feel bad for being so impatient.  I'm whining one day to Emily...and she says "Mommy what's wrong", and I tell her my leg hurts, so she goes on to tell me "so don't run Mommy if you're leg hurts" ...genius 4 year old, makes sense, but somehow I have to decide if the feeling I get from running, the way it clears my head and acts as Prozac overweighs the pain I get in my leg.  So then I tell Emily that I LOVE to run and it makes me feel so great....and how does she answer..." well wait until your leg is better Mommy, and then you can run."  Wow.  Coming from a 4 1/2 year old life in perspective. 

It's been about 4 weeks since I've injured my leg, with at least 2 full weeks of resting and 2 weeks of "trying" to run on it medicated.   Not the smartest thing I know, but I desperately needed to get out for a run, for myself and for everyone around me.  The frustrating part is that I still don't know what is wrong with my leg.  Is it a stress fracture, is it tendinitous, or compartmental syndrome?   I've been to physiotherapy, and massage therapy, had an xray (which I heard rarely shows a stress fracture), and have been doing all of my exercises recommended.  Trust me, I am the good client who does everything I am told if that means I can be out running sooner.  And I am also not someone to stop for just a little bit of pain or soreness, I'm not a wimp physically (only emotionally my sister in law would say;) and I'd say I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but when I start to limp and start compensating, by changing my gait, I know I need to stop. I want to run every other day for the rest of my life, not everyday for only 1 year. 

I am suppose to run a marathon on my birthday, May 8th.  I was really looking forward to this.  Non runners think I'm ridiculous to want to run 42.2K on my birthday, but I think it would be very cool and would love to run with my family cheering me along the course, go out for a huge mother's day brunch, spend the afternoon with my family and go out for drinks to celebrate that night.  AWESOME.  But it's not looking so good right now.  How much time can you really take off from the training....and still run the marathon?   I've ran my longest run, 32K a couple weeks ago when I was on Advil, and it was a great run, but I was feeling it the next couple days afterwards.  I see my doctor on Wednesday and hopefully I'll get in for a bone scan shortly after that.  I guess that will be my decision maker...if it is a stress fracture.  6-8 weeks to heal...2 already over with.   Boo. 

For now, I will stick with sweating it out in spin class and Jillian Michaels yoga meltdown...and try to get my eating back down to a normal person's intake and not a marathon trainer's appetite.  Which is much harder then I thought it would be.  I thought once I stopped running so much, that I would be less hungry, well I am...but I think I am eating to fill the void. 

Sunday was my second spin class...probably shouldn't have done two in a row when I just started because my butt from the seat was still sore from the Saturday's workout.  Otherwise, another fantastic workout.  For anyone who has been wanting to try it, I say go for it!  Today's instructor was even better, she made me feel awesome because she kept telling us how awesome we were, and was constantly correcting our form and getting us to engage our core, drop our shoulders down, stick your butt out...and PUSH it as hard as we could.  Spin class really is YOUR ride, you make it as hard or easy as you want, you put as much or little into it.  I GIVer...of course.  I'm half interested in trying a triathlon someday.  maybe a sprint triathlon to start as I haven't swam laps in years. 

So to all of you folks lazin' around on your couch watching TV or playing on the computer, procrastinating about getting out for some exercise, get off your butts and go for a run if you can...because someone (like me) is just dying to get out in this beautiful weather and run...You'll thank me when you're done:)

For the Love of Running

My first goal was a 10K race, the HBC run in 2007.  I wanted to run it under an hour, but more importantly I wanted to lose the baby weight after Emily.  I loved the training.  I remember getting up early mornings in the summer taking my ipod and heading out for my run along the Bedford Hwy.  Nothing felt more refreshing then a nice long run (little did I know at the time that a long run was not a 10K, but more like a 32K).  Then the excitement of race day came, hundreds of people in red tshirts at the Halifax Commons, all happy, excited, nervous to get out and run to support our Canadian Athletes.  The music was energizing, the warm up was fun and the participation was fabulous... Friendly volunteers were everywhere, and me and my bro were ready to go.  I was excited the entire race, this was the first time I felt my adrenaline take off, and it increased even more around the 8K mark where you heard the bagpipes...how cool is that?  Then that amazing feeling of crossing the finish line after completing my first race with my brother by my side (he could have totally kicked my butt, but was kind enough to stick with me for the run).  First time crossing the finish line feels SO big.  It was 10K, but to me at the time it felt like a marathon. 

HBC 10K 2007

There is something very addictive about running.  Once you start, you don't want to stop.  It makes you feel THAT good.  And so the addiction began.  Sunday morning runs became the routine.  Sunday mornings are MY time.  Some people run for health benefits, the mental benefits, the social benefits... I run for it all. 
After running another 10K, I signed up for a Half Marathon in the Valley and started my own training.  Running through the finish line for my first Half Marathon was awesome, and for someone who has never ran a full marathon at the time, I felt like I had. 

Valley Half Marathon 2007

Shortly after this run I became pregnant again.  I continued running for the fitness for shorter runs up until March 2008.   I found out I was pregnant with twin girls and had a very high risk pregnancy with Twin twin transfusion syndrome and needed a cerclage to hold the babies in and then bedrest.  My running was over.  Although the excitement of twins was really better then my running high, until it just became too stressful, and I wished I had something to relax me.   


Once the girls were born, I didn't have time for running, I barely had time for Emily.  My day and night was spent in the NICU.  Being busy kepted me focused on what I wanted to focus on, bringing my twin girls home.  So I managed ok...until our life completely changed.  One Sunday, Keith and I were trying to figure out how we were going to arrange the cribs, and about life home with all 3 girls...and then Monday we find out we will never have 3 girls at home.  How does that happen so fast?  How can you have your life planned out right in front of you, your family of 5 that you always wanted, twin girls you've always wanted...and then within seconds taken away?  Or the better question, how to move on after losing your baby? 


Everyone's different, everyone copes differently.  I went to bereavement classes at the IWK for several months after Jessica passed away, I was still busy going to the hospital everyday for another 2 1/2 months, until Alyssa was discharged home, and I wrote on this blog.  The counselling helped, but once Alyssa was home, I felt lost again.  She was home, and I wasn't as busy as I was when travelling to the hospital daily.  I had too much time to think, and too much time to be depressed.  So somewhere along the way, I got back into running, and I think it kind of saved me.


I ran one race that summer with my Dad, the Bedford 5K to Beat Lung Cancer.  I picked this race because it was in Bedford, but also because the director had a good story, and passion for organizing the event, which means alot to me when choosing a fun run.  This was my Dad's first 5K run, he did awesome.  I'm not sure when exactly he started running that year or why...maybe I was making him crazy with my stress and he found running just as good for the head as I did, either way, he continued on.  And has since ran 3 half marathon races, with his 4th coming up this weekend, and trained for at least 2 others.  And I am SO proud of my Dad for sticking with the running, even after injuries... and loving it (although he jokingly says how much he loves the social aspect and the feeling afterwards, it's just the running part he doesn't like, funny.)  I'm sure if he didn't enjoy it as much as all of us runners do, he wouldn't be out every Sunday morning, rain, or shine running for 1-2hours.  It makes me excited to see other people get excited about running, especially my family and friends.



Bedford 5K to |Beat Lung Cancer 2008



That fall, I started running more.  Days I could run on the treadmill, and evenings and weekends outside, nothing big, just small runs to get me started, to help with the depression and feelings of self pity.  The best way for me to keep busy, was to sign up for races and then train.  So I did.  I ran a half marathon in Fredericton one year from when the girls were born, then ran the Bluenose 10K a couple weeks later, then started training for another half for the fall in the Valley, then as soon as that was done, trained for another half, then another, then took the ultimate plunge and started training for a full marathon.  The feelings and emotions and physical training that goes into a full marathon deserves a post of it's own.  Lets just say, I've never felt more proud of myself, and for that brief moment crossing the finish line, there wasn't anything that I couldn't do, because I felt on top of the world.  That amazing feeling, whether it's from a 5K or a full Marathon...I hope everyone I love can feel that someday. 


Valley Harvest Full Marathon 10-10-10




Fredericton Half Marathon 2009

                             
                                                                  
Shortly after that finished, my running slowed down a bit and I could feel myself dragging, and feeling "blah" so I started training for the half marathon that I ran today.  And one day while in the IWK, I started thinking about organizing my own event, something to help remember Jessica, something that would mean alot to me...and keep me busy, hence "The IWK 5K - In Memory of Jessica".  So now I can't stop, or maybe I just don't want to stop.  I'm actually afraid to stop.  I'm scared that I will become that person I was over 2 years ago, the one I didn't recognize, the one that I couldn't control emotionally, mentally, socially.  I LOVE to run, I love talking about running, I love seeing other people run, and sharing the same love for it that I do...but as much as I love it, and love planning for my event...I think I need it as much as I love it, and I'm ok with that :)



Navy 10K 2007



Santa Shuffle 5K 2008



Santa Shuffle 5K 2009

                                                                  


IWK 5K - In Memory of Jessica, cheque presentation at the IWK Telethon 2010





Hypothermic Half Marathon 2010

Resolution 5K 2010

Jenn's rant # ?

4 tiny hands covered with tape for their IV's... 4 tiny feet with one blue great toe. In the first 24 hours I didn't worry about Jessica living, I worried about her losing her toes.







Born into very warm arms and many loving hearts. I was truly happy and understood what it meant to feel gratitude.
Our family was complete, or so I thought at the time.


Then one month later I realized my family would never feel complete. And gratitude changed to despair, I knew Keith nor I would ever hold our twin girls together again.

That despair is still being managed, but the gratitude has returned and will always be with me.

Alyssa is TWO...she is incredible and she makes me smile everyday. She talks, she walks, she sings (very poorly like all Flynn's do), and you would never know how sick she once was by simply looking at her.

In the past year she's grown up so much. I think we all have. Maybe myself the most. Although I still can be an emotional wreck, I feel like I can handle alot. And very little unrelated to my family bothers me. Work does not stress me out, money does not stress me out, a messy house without supper made bothers me, but does not stress me out, trying to achieve a specific goal race time does not stress me out. But my kids being sick stresses me out. Give this one to me.

Here's my rant for the year (the edited version)

Alyssa's first year home, she was well protected from colds, extremely careful hand washing and mask wearing as necessary. She also received RSV shots during that year. The second year I was back to work and she was at a home sitter, so exposed to more virus's of course. Three colds that developped into pneumonia, and one that hospitalized her for half a week because of RSV and pneumonia. Some friends use to say that I shouldn't have isolated her so much her first year, so that her body will become more immune to these viruses. I can understand this, but I think very differently at the same time. They never really got it that her lungs are damaged, and the older she gets they will continue to develop making her less succeptible to getting SO sick. I don't want to build up her immune system before her lungs can really handle it. So will I continue to shelter her...no, not like the first year, but I will still avoid any colds for playdates when possible. We are now starting back into cold/RSV season, and I am a bit stressed out. Alyssa has a cold now, I'm sure many people thought I overeacted when I took her to the paediatrician because I thought she was getting pneumonia again. I hate worrying about a cold, but it started as a simple cold last March that had her admitted into the hospital with RSV and pneumonia. I really don't care what people think. And I certaintly don't minimize anyone else's worry when it comes to their children, I hear this worry never ends...

And if it is not colds, then it is something else...

Several months ago, Alyssa started this new thing. They call it "breath holding". It scared the living shit out of me the first time it happened...Alyssa started crying over something silly, like Emily took her toy...she couldn't catch her breath...she turned blue....I tried flicking her toes, blowing in her face, everything we did when she had apneas in the NICU, but nothing worked, she passed out in my arms. This all happened in minutes and within 10 seconds or so later she came to. But in that time a million things went through my head...I thought about calling 911... I thought about starting CPR...I thought, I lost her.

I never told anyone that, not even Keith at the time. This happened 3 other times since then, and even though I've done my research, talked with her pediatrician who said this happens in some kids with no resulting damage...I still hate it, and I feel my heart stop for a second.

Any major skin color changes...especially blue, loss of consciousness, and/or extreme difficulty in breathing, terrifies me. And and I know logically that not everyone that turns blue and stops breathing for a couple seconds will die, I really do...but at that moment I feel despair all over again, and wonder if I'll ever be free of the fear of losing another child.