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Born into very warm arms and many loving hearts. I was truly happy and understood what it meant to feel gratitude.
Our family was complete, or so I thought at the time.
Then one month later I realized my family would never feel complete. And gratitude changed to despair, I knew Keith nor I would ever hold our twin girls together again.
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That despair is still being managed, but the gratitude has returned and will always be with me.
Alyssa is TWO...she is incredible and she makes me smile everyday. She talks, she walks, she sings (very poorly like all Flynn's do), and you would never know how sick she once was by simply looking at her.
In the past year she's grown up so much. I think we all have. Maybe myself the most. Although I still can be an emotional wreck, I feel like I can handle alot. And very little unrelated to my family bothers me. Work does not stress me out, money does not stress me out, a messy house without supper made bothers me, but does not stress me out, trying to achieve a specific goal race time does not stress me out. But my kids being sick stresses me out. Give this one to me.
Here's my rant for the year (the edited version)
Alyssa's first year home, she was well protected from colds, extremely careful hand washing and mask wearing as necessary. She also received RSV shots during that year. The second year I was back to work and she was at a home sitter, so exposed to more virus's of course. Three colds that developped into pneumonia, and one that hospitalized her for half a week because of RSV and pneumonia. Some friends use to say that I shouldn't have isolated her so much her first year, so that her body will become more immune to these viruses. I can understand this, but I think very differently at the same time. They never really got it that her lungs are damaged, and the older she gets they will continue to develop making her less succeptible to getting SO sick. I don't want to build up her immune system before her lungs can really handle it. So will I continue to shelter her...no, not like the first year, but I will still avoid any colds for playdates when possible. We are now starting back into cold/RSV season, and I am a bit stressed out. Alyssa has a cold now, I'm sure many people thought I overeacted when I took her to the paediatrician because I thought she was getting pneumonia again. I hate worrying about a cold, but it started as a simple cold last March that had her admitted into the hospital with RSV and pneumonia. I really don't care what people think. And I certaintly don't minimize anyone else's worry when it comes to their children, I hear this worry never ends...
And if it is not colds, then it is something else...
Several months ago, Alyssa started this new thing. They call it "breath holding". It scared the living shit out of me the first time it happened...Alyssa started crying over something silly, like Emily took her toy...she couldn't catch her breath...she turned blue....I tried flicking her toes, blowing in her face, everything we did when she had apneas in the NICU, but nothing worked, she passed out in my arms. This all happened in minutes and within 10 seconds or so later she came to. But in that time a million things went through my head...I thought about calling 911... I thought about starting CPR...I thought, I lost her.
I never told anyone that, not even Keith at the time. This happened 3 other times since then, and even though I've done my research, talked with her pediatrician who said this happens in some kids with no resulting damage...I still hate it, and I feel my heart stop for a second.
Any major skin color changes...especially blue, loss of consciousness, and/or extreme difficulty in breathing, terrifies me. And and I know logically that not everyone that turns blue and stops breathing for a couple seconds will die, I really do...but at that moment I feel despair all over again, and wonder if I'll ever be free of the fear of losing another child.
3 comments:
I don't think we'll ever be totally free from the nagging experience we have that babies DO die and OUR babies die and maybe ANOTHER one of our babies will die. Why not? After all, it happened before, right? Seems logical that it could happen again. Eesh. Grief is tricky tricky!!
On a side note, I felt my blood pressure rising about the comments people have made to you about how silly you were to keep her so isolated that first year. That philosophy just SO SO SO doesn't apply to a micropreemie. UGH!!
People and their full term healthy newborn opinions. Jeesh.
Jenn,
I understand the scare that you get when Alyssa holds her breath.
When Keith was small like Alyssa, he used to hold his breath and he would turn blue in the face when he couldn't get what he wanted. It used to scare the bloody bejeevers out of me when he did that!!
I don't think anyone who has lost a child will ever be free of the fear of loosing another one. My son lived in the NICU 6 1/2 months with severe respiratory issues before he passed away. His identical twin who has CP is in the hospital right now with viral respiratory infections that caused him not to hold down food. We are on day 4 right now. His other triplet brother is wheezing with a barking cough next to me right now. My 3 year old is in her room cough and infecting her baby dolls with her germs. My heart skips a beat everytime I hear a trauma called in the ER (I'm a ER nurse) I always have thoughts of something happening to my husband or my children.
I used to be one of those people who thought God would never allow bad stuff to happen to me. I will never loose a child, I will never have a disable child etc. I learned all to quickly that that is not the case, but God is always with me no matter what..I just learned to live a day at a time, and try not to live in fear of what is around the corner. I know whatever it is God will be there to hold me and steer me through it.
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