Today was the day that I thought I was doing well. I decided that 5 months later, I am stronger, I have come a long way, I still have many sad moments when I think of our summer, but they are moments and not full days....so I reach for the large bereavement package that was mailed to me months ago from the Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrome Foundation that has been sitting on top of my dresser. I read the first line "the loss of a twin..." I stop, take a deep breath in while wearing a mask on my face to prevent Alyssa from getting my cold as I hold her in my arms. That is as far as I could read...thank goodness Alyssa was ready for her nap, as I worried about my tears infecting her with my cold germs...I layed her down in her bassinet, and courageously picked up the pamphlet again along with a roll of toilet tissue and started all over.
"You were pregnant with twins, but now you have one baby to hold and to take home. These experiences are difficult to share...." "The following are possible reactions you may experience"
As I read through all the reactions, I couldn't stop crying, I'm still crying as I type this entry. None of these reactions are something I am seeing for the first time, we went through all of them in my bereavement sessions, which finished and I felt good. But now as I look over them, I feel that I am right back where I started, like I really haven't worked through as much as I thought.
Shock and Denial: This was the first reaction felt obviously, this is how we were able to get through those first weeks, by feeling numb. I don't have this feeling anymore.
Anger: I thought I got over this, but as I read, I realized I wasn't. I am still angry at the Dr. who was so cold to us. I am angry because I feel like he wasn't completely honest with us. I guess he is really the only person I am angry with.
Guilt: Will I ever stop feeling guilty, or experiencing the "what if's?" or "why's?". I thought I was at a good place, or was getting there. I realize that there are some things that we cannot control, I do, but I constantly wonder if Jessica had more strength then we gave her credit for...Could she have overcome everything against her? Probably not, but that is a what if that I can't seem to get out of my head. I had a visit with my friend a couple weeks ago. She had identical twin girls in March and it never bothered me going to visit her. I don't know why really, because seeing other twins always upsets me...other twins who I don't know I guess. But this time it was different. Seeing her girls older and bigger and more interactive crawling around everywhere was hard. I will be ok, and will see them again of course, but it's harder now for some reason, then it was initially. I often wonder if we had just given her more time...maybe she would be crawling around and interacting with Alyssa like these girls were.
Acceptance: "As the intensity of the shock, denial, anger and guilt subsides, you will begin to accpt the reality of your twin babies' death. this is a painful step, but it is the beginning of healing." This is where I want to be, and in some ways I may be...but as I read through the pamphlet the sadness overwhelms me, and my nose fills up as the tears come pouring down.
The final reaction I read was Sadness: It says that it never truly ends, but becomes more bearable with time. I think I am feeling the "intense sadness" they talk about that can come up unexpectantly and bring tears anytime for many years. Maybe because we are so close to the holidays...My favorite holiday of Christmas which we never were able to share with Jessica.
So that is as far as I read. You'd think because I couldn't read any further, that I would stop. But no, the warrior in me decided to go to Jessica's memory box and look through her belongings, if only for a second. That second was brief, I am not ready to look there right now, I am not ready to look at pictures of my dead baby, no matter how nicely they bathed and dressed her for us to hold her one last time. It's just way to hard. So why could I look through these pictures months ago, and watch her video everyday, and now I can't look at pictures of her living or dead? I'm not nearly as strong as I thought I was...as I sit here pouring out my heart to friends, family and strangers who often read my blog, read all the gut baring thoughts I have that show how weak I am, how I havent' "moved on"... Is this blog really a form of therapy for me? Sometimes I think yes, and then sometimes I feel like a fool after I hit the publish post button baring my heart and soul out to people who rarely reply to anything I say.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Jenn's rant #6
I often wonder if people have any clue on the impact they can make on other peoples lives. My OB, for example, is often discussed with many of my friends and relatives on luncheons because we have all had her for a doctor during one of our pregnancies. She has such a huge impact on all of us. Her opinion is so valuable, and we are always comforted by talking to her. And even when I didn't see her the day after I delivered and was extremely bitter...I completely forgave her the second she did come to see me, even if it was days later. I recently met with her again as a follow up to my 6 week post op appointment to "check in" and make sure I was doing ok. I thought this was really thoughtful of her to suggest. I'm no longer pregnant, she really doesn't have to follow up on me, but she does...and she cares...I wonder if she has any idea on how much I value everything she says? We discussed possible future pregnancies...Not that I plan on being pregnant anytime soon, but I needed to know what would happen if I decided to go down that road again. She told me that I had a lot going against me before, which I already knew...twins, and TTTS....so chances are, I could probably carry a normal singleton baby again. However, there is still the whole issue with my "incompetent cervix". If I did get pregnant, I would be seeing her as soon as I found out, and I have the choice of whether I do a cerclage immediately after the first trimester or play the "wait and see game", which I think most of you know by now, I don't do that game. I felt better after our discussion, a bit hopeful. I'm not sure if I will ever get pregnant again, but I don't want that option to be taken away from me.
I remember almost everything and everyone...sometimes a good quality and other times a bad one to have. I remember the Dr. who was working the shift before I delivered, and how she came to talk to me the next day even though she had nothing to do with my delivery (however she did deliver Emily, which I'm sure she doesn't remember). The Dr. who delivered Jessica and Alyssa was also the Dr who admitted me on bedrest and who performed my first cerclage with Dr. M. She is also my GYN who I see yearly. I realize that Dr's can be extremely busy people, but I was very shocked, and a little angry to be honest, that at a recent appointment this Dr. didn't even know about Jessica passing away. I've always had a good relationship with her, and had a good opinion of her up until this last time with her. Are doctors really that impersonal that they don't follow up on their patients at all??? I saw her 5 times this year, and 3 of those visits were pretty scary times for me, but yet she had no clue. I went into the appointment nervous and feeling a little overwhelmed because this was the first time I saw her since the birth of the twins...but I never thought I would have to tell her that the baby she delivered passed away. And her response?? "oh that's tough".
Some people really have no idea how much of an impact they can make on our lives...So many people who I was close to before this past summer were too chickenshit of what to say to me, so they said nothing, and still say nothing. I still talk about normal things you know. I have way more respect for someone who communicates and says all the wrong things, then someone who takes the easy road and says nothing at all. In saying that, there has also been many more people, friends, family, and some people who I barely knew who have become very close, and made a big effort to not ignore me, and not pretend that nothing happened....some who have even gone out of their way to look up information about losing a twin for me, and for themselves to try and understand. I often forget that it was only US who lost a child, and the rest of the world continued on like normal.
I remember almost everything and everyone...sometimes a good quality and other times a bad one to have. I remember the Dr. who was working the shift before I delivered, and how she came to talk to me the next day even though she had nothing to do with my delivery (however she did deliver Emily, which I'm sure she doesn't remember). The Dr. who delivered Jessica and Alyssa was also the Dr who admitted me on bedrest and who performed my first cerclage with Dr. M. She is also my GYN who I see yearly. I realize that Dr's can be extremely busy people, but I was very shocked, and a little angry to be honest, that at a recent appointment this Dr. didn't even know about Jessica passing away. I've always had a good relationship with her, and had a good opinion of her up until this last time with her. Are doctors really that impersonal that they don't follow up on their patients at all??? I saw her 5 times this year, and 3 of those visits were pretty scary times for me, but yet she had no clue. I went into the appointment nervous and feeling a little overwhelmed because this was the first time I saw her since the birth of the twins...but I never thought I would have to tell her that the baby she delivered passed away. And her response?? "oh that's tough".
Some people really have no idea how much of an impact they can make on our lives...So many people who I was close to before this past summer were too chickenshit of what to say to me, so they said nothing, and still say nothing. I still talk about normal things you know. I have way more respect for someone who communicates and says all the wrong things, then someone who takes the easy road and says nothing at all. In saying that, there has also been many more people, friends, family, and some people who I barely knew who have become very close, and made a big effort to not ignore me, and not pretend that nothing happened....some who have even gone out of their way to look up information about losing a twin for me, and for themselves to try and understand. I often forget that it was only US who lost a child, and the rest of the world continued on like normal.
Friday, October 10, 2008
RSV season
Although I know most of you are very good at letting me know when you are sick with colds and flus, I still feel like I need to send out this blog for anyone who may be visiting, or in case we may be visiting you. My friend, Georgina, sent out an email recently, which I pretty much copied, that reminded me to do the same.
As you all know Alyssa was born very prematurely at 25.4 weeks to be exact, and although she is very lucky and relatively healthy in the big picture, she still has a higher risk then most babies of getting infections and becoming extremely sick and even hospitalized with something as simple as the common cold. Being back in the hospital means she would be getting regular blood pressure checks, getting held down to have her heels pricked and squeezed for blood, and possibly having an IV for medication. Which would also mean we would be away from the other half of my family, which really I think we've done long enough this summer.
Not to sound controlling or rude, but if you're even a little bit sick (snuffly nose, cough, feeling run down) or you've been around someone who's sick, we'd prefer it if you waited until you were feeling 100% before coming over to see us. We will all be getting the flu shots, and hope that if you are seeing us on a regular basis that you will too, and Alyssa will be getting a series of shots for RSV this season which is from late fall to early spring. RSV, or respiratory syncytial virus, is a common, easy-to-catch infection that is similar to a cold. Although most babies catch this infection in their first 2 years, they usually have no major symptoms other then a regular cold, same as adults. However, babies who were born prematurely, and have lung damage are more at risk for serious consequences. The medication she will be receiving is not a vaccine, therefore does not prevent her from getting the virus, but it does help reduce the risk of more serious infections. For example, perhaps prevent her from being reintubated. Please read the following link for more information :
http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_section_details.asp?text_id=3344&channel_id=2026&relation_id=18293
If you do come to the house, which we hope you do if you are healthy, please wash your hands right after coming in....we also have a bottle of hand sanitizer as you enter the house. If you sneeze or cough, please wash your hands afterwards and a good rule of thumb is to keep your hands away from your face...so cough into your sleeve, not your hand. We ask that you do not kiss her face and only touch her hands if you've washed yours, as her mouth is the first place her hands usually go. Alyssa's lungs will develop into normal and healthy lungs, hopefully before she turns 5 years old, but until then, or at least for the first two years we have to be extra cautious. Thank you for all of you who have already been extremely cautious by waiting until your colds were over before seeing us. I may be a little bit paranoid, but really I think I have every right to be, don't you??
As you all know Alyssa was born very prematurely at 25.4 weeks to be exact, and although she is very lucky and relatively healthy in the big picture, she still has a higher risk then most babies of getting infections and becoming extremely sick and even hospitalized with something as simple as the common cold. Being back in the hospital means she would be getting regular blood pressure checks, getting held down to have her heels pricked and squeezed for blood, and possibly having an IV for medication. Which would also mean we would be away from the other half of my family, which really I think we've done long enough this summer.
Not to sound controlling or rude, but if you're even a little bit sick (snuffly nose, cough, feeling run down) or you've been around someone who's sick, we'd prefer it if you waited until you were feeling 100% before coming over to see us. We will all be getting the flu shots, and hope that if you are seeing us on a regular basis that you will too, and Alyssa will be getting a series of shots for RSV this season which is from late fall to early spring. RSV, or respiratory syncytial virus, is a common, easy-to-catch infection that is similar to a cold. Although most babies catch this infection in their first 2 years, they usually have no major symptoms other then a regular cold, same as adults. However, babies who were born prematurely, and have lung damage are more at risk for serious consequences. The medication she will be receiving is not a vaccine, therefore does not prevent her from getting the virus, but it does help reduce the risk of more serious infections. For example, perhaps prevent her from being reintubated. Please read the following link for more information :
http://chealth.canoe.ca/channel_section_details.asp?text_id=3344&channel_id=2026&relation_id=18293
If you do come to the house, which we hope you do if you are healthy, please wash your hands right after coming in....we also have a bottle of hand sanitizer as you enter the house. If you sneeze or cough, please wash your hands afterwards and a good rule of thumb is to keep your hands away from your face...so cough into your sleeve, not your hand. We ask that you do not kiss her face and only touch her hands if you've washed yours, as her mouth is the first place her hands usually go. Alyssa's lungs will develop into normal and healthy lungs, hopefully before she turns 5 years old, but until then, or at least for the first two years we have to be extra cautious. Thank you for all of you who have already been extremely cautious by waiting until your colds were over before seeing us. I may be a little bit paranoid, but really I think I have every right to be, don't you??
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