Things change, people change...I've definetly changed. I say this after going for a run and realizing that I need to upload some new music onto my mp3 player. When I see other runners outside I often wonder what they are listening to. My first song on my "running tunes" is "You shook me all night long" by ACDC. The beat makes you want to run. Well, it used to anyways, not so much today. Have you ever listened to the lyrics of the song?? Probably not the most appropriate song for a mother of three to get pumped about. Today I ran my fastest to "Amazing"...the song you're listening to as you open this blog. Yes things have definetly changed. My outlet of running has become a little more then running itself. As I think ahead to probably the most difficult times ahead of me this year, Easter, the girls birthday, the week of Jessica's death, I am trying to find ways to keep myself busy. Mother's day weekend... that Sunday was a very scary but also joyous day in my life. I delivered two beautiful girls, both alive. I'm lucky to have spent a month with Jessica, and to have Alyssa doing so well and holding a special part of Jessica inside of her for us to always see and remember.
2008 was a difficult year. But as Joseph Campbell said " "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." I have gone over in my head over and over again, to the point of exhaustion trying to figure out what went wrong, how this all happened, when did problems start, etc. I read over my entire blog last week and remembered that Friday before I delivered...the fluid around Jessica was minimal and dangerous...maybe this is when her brain damage occured, maybe this is when she lost perfusion to her bowels and developped NEC. Trying to find the answers for the 'what if we did something differently' is not possible. I have accepted that I could not have done anything differently to give Jessica the life I wish she had here with us. I have accepted that I did everything to have her with us as long as possible, and ultimately we made the best possible decision for her by letting her go without suffering. I was lucky to meet her, and to hold her and be able to call her my daughter. I miss her everyday. But I also count my blessings everyday. It could have been worse. I could have missed that very special month we had with her that gave us a lifetime of memories. I could have lost them both, which many mothers have saddly experienced.
So as the time approaches, my running outlet has surfaced again. It is now time to start training for a half marathon, with a little over 16 weeks from now. I was thinking of running the Bluenose marathon in Halifax, and probably still will. But Mother's Day is the day I really need to keep busy, so I've signed up for the Fredericton half marathon. Dad is also running this race, not the same reasons obviously, but it will still be nice to have him there. I'll be the one running through the finish line with tears in my eyes. Tears of sadness, and happiness and wishful thinking I guess...but not regret. I'm passed that, or so I think I am today. Do me a favour and kiss your babies, tell them you love them, and be grateful that they are with you today...they truly are amazing.
(Update on Alyssa in a couple of days)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, December 12, 2008
Christmas Cards
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Do you ever just NOT feel like sending out Christmas cards? Keith was asking me weeks ago..."Have you started them yet? Did you buy any Christmas cards...? I hummed and hawd, and decided to go on strike this year, lol, NO Christmas cards, they take to much work, and I am just NOT into it this year. But then one day as I was looking at the online Walmart flyer, I discovered what many people have been doing for years...the best and easiest thing ever....Picture Christmas cards! So I picked a picture of the girls, and sent it online, and then an hour later went to pick them up. You don't even have to sign them, and they provide the envelopes. All you have to do is write addresses on the envelopes and stick the cards in...easy as that. I feel like I'm cheating a bit without doing any writing, as most of you who know me...know that I cannot send a card out without writing something personal. So there, done...I guess I will get Christmas cards next year. If you haven't received a card by next week, it means that you've probably moved in the past couple of years and I don't have a recent address, or maybe I never had your address in the first place, or maybe I just dont' want to give you a Christmas card....ha ha, just joking. Seriously though, I am not going to write everyone I know and ask for your address, so if you would like one of my new favorite photo christmas cards, please send me your address.
Monday, November 17, 2008
The "warrior" in myself
Today was the day that I thought I was doing well. I decided that 5 months later, I am stronger, I have come a long way, I still have many sad moments when I think of our summer, but they are moments and not full days....so I reach for the large bereavement package that was mailed to me months ago from the Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrome Foundation that has been sitting on top of my dresser. I read the first line "the loss of a twin..." I stop, take a deep breath in while wearing a mask on my face to prevent Alyssa from getting my cold as I hold her in my arms. That is as far as I could read...thank goodness Alyssa was ready for her nap, as I worried about my tears infecting her with my cold germs...I layed her down in her bassinet, and courageously picked up the pamphlet again along with a roll of toilet tissue and started all over.
"You were pregnant with twins, but now you have one baby to hold and to take home. These experiences are difficult to share...." "The following are possible reactions you may experience"
As I read through all the reactions, I couldn't stop crying, I'm still crying as I type this entry. None of these reactions are something I am seeing for the first time, we went through all of them in my bereavement sessions, which finished and I felt good. But now as I look over them, I feel that I am right back where I started, like I really haven't worked through as much as I thought.
Shock and Denial: This was the first reaction felt obviously, this is how we were able to get through those first weeks, by feeling numb. I don't have this feeling anymore.
Anger: I thought I got over this, but as I read, I realized I wasn't. I am still angry at the Dr. who was so cold to us. I am angry because I feel like he wasn't completely honest with us. I guess he is really the only person I am angry with.
Guilt: Will I ever stop feeling guilty, or experiencing the "what if's?" or "why's?". I thought I was at a good place, or was getting there. I realize that there are some things that we cannot control, I do, but I constantly wonder if Jessica had more strength then we gave her credit for...Could she have overcome everything against her? Probably not, but that is a what if that I can't seem to get out of my head. I had a visit with my friend a couple weeks ago. She had identical twin girls in March and it never bothered me going to visit her. I don't know why really, because seeing other twins always upsets me...other twins who I don't know I guess. But this time it was different. Seeing her girls older and bigger and more interactive crawling around everywhere was hard. I will be ok, and will see them again of course, but it's harder now for some reason, then it was initially. I often wonder if we had just given her more time...maybe she would be crawling around and interacting with Alyssa like these girls were.
Acceptance: "As the intensity of the shock, denial, anger and guilt subsides, you will begin to accpt the reality of your twin babies' death. this is a painful step, but it is the beginning of healing." This is where I want to be, and in some ways I may be...but as I read through the pamphlet the sadness overwhelms me, and my nose fills up as the tears come pouring down.
The final reaction I read was Sadness: It says that it never truly ends, but becomes more bearable with time. I think I am feeling the "intense sadness" they talk about that can come up unexpectantly and bring tears anytime for many years. Maybe because we are so close to the holidays...My favorite holiday of Christmas which we never were able to share with Jessica.
So that is as far as I read. You'd think because I couldn't read any further, that I would stop. But no, the warrior in me decided to go to Jessica's memory box and look through her belongings, if only for a second. That second was brief, I am not ready to look there right now, I am not ready to look at pictures of my dead baby, no matter how nicely they bathed and dressed her for us to hold her one last time. It's just way to hard. So why could I look through these pictures months ago, and watch her video everyday, and now I can't look at pictures of her living or dead? I'm not nearly as strong as I thought I was...as I sit here pouring out my heart to friends, family and strangers who often read my blog, read all the gut baring thoughts I have that show how weak I am, how I havent' "moved on"... Is this blog really a form of therapy for me? Sometimes I think yes, and then sometimes I feel like a fool after I hit the publish post button baring my heart and soul out to people who rarely reply to anything I say.
"You were pregnant with twins, but now you have one baby to hold and to take home. These experiences are difficult to share...." "The following are possible reactions you may experience"
As I read through all the reactions, I couldn't stop crying, I'm still crying as I type this entry. None of these reactions are something I am seeing for the first time, we went through all of them in my bereavement sessions, which finished and I felt good. But now as I look over them, I feel that I am right back where I started, like I really haven't worked through as much as I thought.
Shock and Denial: This was the first reaction felt obviously, this is how we were able to get through those first weeks, by feeling numb. I don't have this feeling anymore.
Anger: I thought I got over this, but as I read, I realized I wasn't. I am still angry at the Dr. who was so cold to us. I am angry because I feel like he wasn't completely honest with us. I guess he is really the only person I am angry with.
Guilt: Will I ever stop feeling guilty, or experiencing the "what if's?" or "why's?". I thought I was at a good place, or was getting there. I realize that there are some things that we cannot control, I do, but I constantly wonder if Jessica had more strength then we gave her credit for...Could she have overcome everything against her? Probably not, but that is a what if that I can't seem to get out of my head. I had a visit with my friend a couple weeks ago. She had identical twin girls in March and it never bothered me going to visit her. I don't know why really, because seeing other twins always upsets me...other twins who I don't know I guess. But this time it was different. Seeing her girls older and bigger and more interactive crawling around everywhere was hard. I will be ok, and will see them again of course, but it's harder now for some reason, then it was initially. I often wonder if we had just given her more time...maybe she would be crawling around and interacting with Alyssa like these girls were.
Acceptance: "As the intensity of the shock, denial, anger and guilt subsides, you will begin to accpt the reality of your twin babies' death. this is a painful step, but it is the beginning of healing." This is where I want to be, and in some ways I may be...but as I read through the pamphlet the sadness overwhelms me, and my nose fills up as the tears come pouring down.
The final reaction I read was Sadness: It says that it never truly ends, but becomes more bearable with time. I think I am feeling the "intense sadness" they talk about that can come up unexpectantly and bring tears anytime for many years. Maybe because we are so close to the holidays...My favorite holiday of Christmas which we never were able to share with Jessica.
So that is as far as I read. You'd think because I couldn't read any further, that I would stop. But no, the warrior in me decided to go to Jessica's memory box and look through her belongings, if only for a second. That second was brief, I am not ready to look there right now, I am not ready to look at pictures of my dead baby, no matter how nicely they bathed and dressed her for us to hold her one last time. It's just way to hard. So why could I look through these pictures months ago, and watch her video everyday, and now I can't look at pictures of her living or dead? I'm not nearly as strong as I thought I was...as I sit here pouring out my heart to friends, family and strangers who often read my blog, read all the gut baring thoughts I have that show how weak I am, how I havent' "moved on"... Is this blog really a form of therapy for me? Sometimes I think yes, and then sometimes I feel like a fool after I hit the publish post button baring my heart and soul out to people who rarely reply to anything I say.
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