Forgiving myself

Things change, people change...I've definetly changed. I say this after going for a run and realizing that I need to upload some new music onto my mp3 player. When I see other runners outside I often wonder what they are listening to. My first song on my "running tunes" is "You shook me all night long" by ACDC. The beat makes you want to run. Well, it used to anyways, not so much today. Have you ever listened to the lyrics of the song?? Probably not the most appropriate song for a mother of three to get pumped about. Today I ran my fastest to "Amazing"...the song you're listening to as you open this blog. Yes things have definetly changed. My outlet of running has become a little more then running itself. As I think ahead to probably the most difficult times ahead of me this year, Easter, the girls birthday, the week of Jessica's death, I am trying to find ways to keep myself busy. Mother's day weekend... that Sunday was a very scary but also joyous day in my life. I delivered two beautiful girls, both alive. I'm lucky to have spent a month with Jessica, and to have Alyssa doing so well and holding a special part of Jessica inside of her for us to always see and remember.

2008 was a difficult year. But as Joseph Campbell said " "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." I have gone over in my head over and over again, to the point of exhaustion trying to figure out what went wrong, how this all happened, when did problems start, etc. I read over my entire blog last week and remembered that Friday before I delivered...the fluid around Jessica was minimal and dangerous...maybe this is when her brain damage occured, maybe this is when she lost perfusion to her bowels and developped NEC. Trying to find the answers for the 'what if we did something differently' is not possible. I have accepted that I could not have done anything differently to give Jessica the life I wish she had here with us. I have accepted that I did everything to have her with us as long as possible, and ultimately we made the best possible decision for her by letting her go without suffering. I was lucky to meet her, and to hold her and be able to call her my daughter. I miss her everyday. But I also count my blessings everyday. It could have been worse. I could have missed that very special month we had with her that gave us a lifetime of memories. I could have lost them both, which many mothers have saddly experienced.

So as the time approaches, my running outlet has surfaced again. It is now time to start training for a half marathon, with a little over 16 weeks from now. I was thinking of running the Bluenose marathon in Halifax, and probably still will. But Mother's Day is the day I really need to keep busy, so I've signed up for the Fredericton half marathon. Dad is also running this race, not the same reasons obviously, but it will still be nice to have him there. I'll be the one running through the finish line with tears in my eyes. Tears of sadness, and happiness and wishful thinking I guess...but not regret. I'm passed that, or so I think I am today. Do me a favour and kiss your babies, tell them you love them, and be grateful that they are with you today...they truly are amazing.

(Update on Alyssa in a couple of days)