I remember typing to you last year around this time...I believe it was the second longest week of my life. Trying desperately to hold Phoebe and Ursula in a little bit longer....that week had my 30th birthday in it, also Mother's Day, and of course Jessica and Alyssa's birth day. This year this week again has my birthday, Mother's day and this year Race day, and the girls 1st birthday...Alyssa's 1st birthday party.
People are always asking me "How are you doing" as we get closer to the year mark, which feels deja vu and makes me think back to those days after Jessica passed away. I knew it was a common, normal question, but every time I heard it shortly after her death, I became angry, and wondered why people didn't think before they spoke. I mean really, I just lost my baby, how do you think I'm doing???? Because it was very few people that REALLY wanted to know how we were doing, it's an awkward conversation to some, uncomfortable to most, and not a feeling of welcome, even when people say "I'm here anytime you want to chat". Unless you had a box of kleenex and AT LEAST a half an hour, then you really didn't want to listen. I could see it in people's face's...they would ask the question or say a remark all squeamish and uncomfortable hoping that I wouldn't really take them up on divulging into a deep honest conversation...and relax when I didn't. I told people what they wanted to hear for the most part..."I'm ok, doing as best as I can considering" It felt so rehearsed. Even the people I am closest to, my own family, I said what came the easiest to move on from the conversation. That is my fault. I tried to make things easier for them and myself...which brings me to today.
How am I doing this week? On the positive side...well I don't get angry when you ask me this question for one. But you will still probably get the same response I gave a year ago. "I'm ok, doing as best as I can considering". Also, I can go to bathroom by myself and wipe my own behind without relying on a bedpan, which in my mind was a terribly embarrassing and helpless feeling.
I mentioned a couple posts back that I was going to start training for another half marathon which happened to be on Mother's Day...well I did most of the training, minus a couple weeks off for illnesses and other things going on in my life. And the race is this coming Sunday, I absolutely love race day, and get extremely excited when I see runner's out doing there thing especially Sunday morning. Last spring and summer as we drove to the hospital everyday, I watched the runner's on the Bedford Highway with envy...wishing that was me, this year it was...I wonder if there is a poor shmuck in my shoes watching me as I run wishing they could feel free and independent rather then lost and scared as they face the challenges of the NICU.
So yes, for the most part I'm ok, honestly. Alyssa had a great year free from being admitted to the hospital. In the past month I get very little sleep, and my thoughts on the matter have changed recently. I'm tired, but I'm lucky to be able to get up with her...even if it is 3 am. How we went from sleeping through the night, to regular nightly awakenings I dont' know, but it will pass I'm sure. She will only be small and wanting my cuddles for so long. So I'll take them no matter what time of the day it is.
On the negative this week, I am sore. I've managed to hurt my knee again this year, and also hurt my other leg slightly from overcompensating for the bad knee. I will take the rest of the week off to rest in hope I will feel better race day. I can walk fine, but stairs are a bit of a challenge, especially going down. And after all of this training I am still 10 lbs overweight from where I would like to be, I didn' t lose a single pound with all of this running, pumping and breastfeeding. Weight isn't everything and it is not the focus of my life...but every once in a while when I am getting dressed, I see glimpses of my old self (if I suck in hard enough)...not that I was ever in fantastic shape, but I had more confidence at one point. Maybe my new spanx will help with this ;)
This past year I haven't felt like myself with body image yes, but mainly mentally. I often wonder if I will ever be "me" again. I have caught glimpses of the old me occasionally where I feel very happy and positive and full of energy, mainly while running, but it doesn't last long, I can only run for so long.
I feel disconnected and like some alter ego watching from the outside. I know how I want to be and how I want to feel. But I just can't seem to get there, I can't even explain it. I feel sad and like I've disconnected myself from Jessica this year, which I feel terrible about, but it is how I got through the year. Instead of feeling that closeness to something bigger...our angel or God, that some mother's feel after they've lost a child, I ignored the feelings I was having or pushed aside any thoughts that would make me feel vulnerable. I'm feeling a little lost for words right now. I've never really been good at embracing my feelings, other then here I guess. So...the big question "how am I doing this week?", I'm still here, and I'm ok....doing the best I can considering.
4 comments:
I remember so clearly seeing you and Keith the day of Jessica's funeral service. All I could say to you was, "You're so brave". It was the only truth that I knew at that moment. I was so very fortunate to have a healthy 2 month old baby at the time, and even venturing into the thoughts of "what if I were you" was so very difficult, so I couldn't imagine what you were both going through. I imagined myself as being curled in a ball begging for someone to just take the pain away. That's why I feel you were so brave. Not just that day, but every day since. Getting up and doing the things you do is incredible. Bravery can be defined in so many ways, but as one mother to another, you are the epidome of brave.
Now, with regards to weight, I read your post and thought, "My god, she's me!" Every time I get into the shower, I pull back skin, lift boobs, and suck in, seeing a glimpse of myself the way I used to be. That friggin' 10lbs haunts me everyday. And for the people who say "You look great!" I thank them, but I can't get past my insecurities to think that they actually mean it. That said, this is a new year. Maybe our bodies are just slow at losing the weight. I think once I hit 30, my metabolism quit. But this year could be the year where things come together. I'm going to hold onto some optimism.
Take care of yourself. And why not curl into a ball on the bathroom floor and cry. If that's what you need, maybe you should do it. You're still the bravest person I know.
Hey Jenn,
I feel bad I haven't been on line lately and I wish we lived closer to you all. I would have come over and sat with you and listen to anything you wanted to say/yell/cry etc it wouldn't have bother me, and if we ran out of Kleenex I would have let you use my shirt selves, and that is still open to this day and any day forever. I hope someday things will find a balance for you in life, and I think they will all 3 girls and Keith love you soo much, and with love is some healing. I really should have called you and I am sorry for that, but it wasn't b/c I was a afraid to, I am just horrible at calling anyone back home. I think it's been a month since I talk to my mom :(. Anyhow girl you have a good run and run for you. You deserve.
Oh Ps. yeah weight loss after pregnancy ha ha. I have the biggest muffin top still in my nice pants it's not funny. Some days I think i feel smaller and than a see a mirror and it's over, the truth is there. My goal is to be a fit grandma hopefully by than something will shrink right?
Hey Jenn. Here I sit, crying again. Thank you for letting me have a place where I feel comfortable just sitting here crying. I hate being a part of the 'mothers who have lost babies' club although I would never give up the 4 months that I had with Andrew... no matter what the cost.
Its nice for me to be able to remember my Andrew and to cry and talk about him with you and to remember. I rarely get to do that... people forget or just think that you should have moved on with your life. But 17 years later the pain is still raw, real, overwhelming, and heart breaking. I just don't cry every day any more. (sorry, I wish I could lie about that for you).
I feel your pain and confusion. I think that you're doing amazing. You have a baby, a toddler, a husband, a family, a house to run, running, a job and a life to live. Ignoring and disconnecting is a way to cope to get through all the demands on you. I don't think you should be hard on yourself. It doesn't mean the you don't love Jessica, you haven't forgotten her. Jessica knows she is your heart. You just need to function.
I think that you should do whatever you need to do today, tomorrow... one day at a time. That's how I've managed the last 17 years. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. But it is possible to function and even be happy. That's what Jessica would want for you, Alyssa, Keith and Emily.
I for one am happy that you're still here and that you're ok. I think that's more than enough for today.
Love you... xoxoxoxo
PS. It's nice for me to know that Andrew has Jessica to play with... a big brother of sorts. They're too young to be kissin' cousins right? lol I know that my dad and Aunt Florence are totally enjoying them. It's nice that they're not alone...
Melissa, I also remember clearly seeing you the day of the service...your sincerity and compassion was so obvious to us then as it is to me now. You've been a good friend and listener this past year, thanks for your comments. By the way...I think you look great...I'm sure the men at work didn't mind you forgetting your jacket the other day ;)
Selena, it would be nice if we lived closer, I think we would get along perfectly. Your messages this year were always very kind and sweet and much appreciated, thank you. I like your goal for fit grandma, it sounds achievable ;)
and Sharon, I'm around to listen, cry and remember Andrew with you anytime you like. I dont' think it matters if it is 1 year, 2 years or 17 years...it is never going to feel "ok". This wasn't suppose to happen...to any of us. I think I will always have a hard time with this...and I think it is only natural to feel this way.
If everyone thought of their healthy baby, oldest, youngest whatever out playing like normal...and then found out they were sick...and had to be in the ICU and then all of sudden told their child wasn't going to make it, and then their baby died, their 1 month old, 4 month old, 1 year old, etc...I bet then once they picture their child in that situation...then they may understand, and not expect that any length of time will really make you "move on"
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