Special Moments

We all have special days, or just moments when we have such a huge overpowerful rush of feelings come over us...sometimes good and sometimes bad. Some of my biggest most recent moments were the following : on my wedding day when my dad walked me down the aisle and then seeing Keith waiting for me with watery eyes... looking at my positive pregnancy tests and knowing I was going to be a Mom (something I've dreamed of for as long as I can remember)...the excitement and shock of finding out we were having twins... seeing the look on my parents face as they walked through the door and saw everyone when we threw them a surprize 30th wedding anniversary party... running towards the end of the finish line of my first half marathon and seeing Jamie, Danielle, Emily and Keith cheering me on (and then my name being called as I crossed the finish line)... seeing Emily, Alyssa, and Jessica for the first time after carrying them for so long, and especially knowing that Alyssa and Jessica were ok since they were so small... seeing my brothers hold their babies for the first time and the look of "super proud daddy" across their faces...they're are so many of these happy moments, too many to write all of them. And the sad moments where I almost feel like I'm going to fall to the ground, or feel like I'm losing oxygen...like at my Grammie's funeral as we all walked down the aisle of the church while the bagpipes played, my first big break down, just looking at Jessica in the incubator late one night during the first week, and the biggest overwhelming moment was holding her that last day when I knew it was our last time together for a long time. These moments help to make us who we are, and I hope we all have many more happy moments then sad moments.


Today I had a happy moment. I called Courtney for the morning update on Alyssa, and she told me she wasn't on any oxygen...no ventilator, no CPAP, no nasal prongs...I was pumping and was so shocked, I dropped the milk on the floor. I couldnt' get to the hospital quick enough...Courtney was holding her when I walked in, I was SO excited to see her. And when I held her, and looked down at her little face...ALL of her face, with only a the feeding tube in her nose those overpowering feelings came over me, and I felt happier then I've felt in a long time. I fought the tears because I didn't want to cloud over my eyes with tears from looking at this perfect little girl. But it was hard too, because I can't look at Alyssa without thinking of Jessica. My heart really just aches sometimes with a constant changeover from happiness to sadness and full circle.
I was able to share my happiness with Danielle and Jamie, and they were both able to hold Alyssa. One of the exciting parts of having a baby, is showing them off to everyone, and letting them hold them, today was the first day that I could do that, and it was wonderful. So although Alyssa did go from the ventilator to the high flow nasal prongs, and then back to the biphasic CPAP, then to the regular CPAP and then shortly to the high flow nasal prongs again all within 1-2 weeks...she is doing ok, and I finally feel like she is going to be ok and I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Courtney said she may require a little bit of oxygen sometime...but that is ok. So I just wanted to share with you my special moment, as little as it may be, it meant the world to me. I look forward to many more of these moments that really make life worthwhile.