Jenn's rant #1

This new post isn't a lot of information, it is more for myself. The blog helps to keep you all updated, but it's also a bit of a remedy for me to help me get through everything. Everything seems to be going relatively well considering...but I think I was ready for a big breakdown, and this happened a couple nights ago when touching Jessica. She's had a really rough week, and it really affected me. I'm sure it's also a mixture of lack of sleep, pain, and the situation in general, but I feel very hopeless sometimes, in that there really isn't a lot I can do. The nurses are so good with the girls and so good with Keith and I. They answer all of our questions and really listen to how we're feeling and our concerns. Right now I'm trying to decide who I want to be Jessica and Alyssa's primary nurses, you can choose a few nurses who you really like to do most of their care.

Dr. Macleod was in to see me yesturday and today, which made up for not seeing her for the past week. She always makes me feel better. I'm still in the hospital, and will probably stay here until Monday. I don't have a lot of strength. It takes alot of energy to wheel myself to the NICU, and I can't stay there very long before getting week, or pain. The pain is so much worse then with Emily's C-section, but has improved the last 2 days to bearable. I want to spend so much more time downstairs, but instead I just try to go a couple times a day. Today I tried to be very ambitious, and walked to the NICU, but almost passed out on my walk back to the 7th floor. One of my favorite nurses, Mary, got me in a chair and wheeled me back. Mary was great...when on bedrest, she'd wash and massage my back before bed everynight. I've had really great nursing care here, I can't complain at all, and I am trying to think of what to get the staff on 7A before I leave. Also Dr. Macleod, and the birthing unit staff...Jocelyn and Connie really stuck in my head, although they were all really great.

Yesturday, I got to cuddle with Alyssa, it was amazing...We did skin to skin and she was so calm and relaxed for the 1 hour and a half, Charlotte said we could take her out again today to cuddle. Very exciting.

I think it's going to be hard at home at first with stairs, and trying to get into the hospital so much. I'm not sure if I'll come and spend the morning if I can tolerate it, or come several times a day, which may be tiring too.

We've had a little rotation system at home. Like I mentioned before, mom and dad spent the first 2 weeks of bed rest at home with me, then Keith's mom Helene spent the next 2 weeks to help out, and then Mom and Dad came back right before I was admitted to the hospital. Helene also came for a little visit to meet her new grandchildren. Mom and dad are going to stay with me until the end of the month, and then my aunt Linda from Toronto will be flying in to stay with me and help out. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have such a great family. They're really there when you need them.

And Emily, my sweet Emily, do I ever miss her. Yesturday was the first day she's seen me somewhat mobile, and she was so happy. I miss playing with her and holding her. She's doing so well considering...she's definetly off schedule and not always sleeping through the nights, but that's not the worst thing that could happen. She does come see me for about an hour after supper everyday, but it really gets her bedtime routine messed up, but at least I can see her play. She doesn't like seeing me in bed, now when she sees a stretcher or wheelchair she always says "mommy's". We'll keep her in daycare for at least the summer, so I can get to the hospital during the day and spend my evenings with Emily. Pumping seems so much more time consuming then regular nursing, because you can only really do it at home or at the hospital with all the sterile kits, so I have fine lines of when I'll be able to go anywhere, whereas if I was nursing, I could be anywhere. That's ok, by the end of the summer.

Well that's my little rant for today, I'm sure they're will be many more, so I'll give you the heads up when it's a rant, or when it's information about the girls in the title.