I got back to work after my appointment, and tried really hard to keep myself together. Everyone knew I was going for an U/S and would most likely find out the gender, so it was difficult to be happy and tell everyone I was having twin girls, without thinking about the diagnosis of TTTS. I was ok, for the first 10 minutes or so, and then all the information we learned hit home...I was in a step down unit with my back to all the nurses trying hard to look through a chart so that no one could see the tears coming down my face, my vision was blurred, and hiding through a chart was doing me no good. One of the nurses, Jolene, who is also a friend, saw me...and that was it. She pulled me aside, and I could barely get the words out to tell her what was going on. And then another friend and coworker also came over, and I was a mumbling fool.
Being pregnant in itself has its own set of fears. Everyone wants a healthy baby, and there is risks with every pregnancy, even when U/S shows everything is going well. It is not until you hold your baby in your arms that you really feel a sense of relief. To know that there is problems going on already, is very scary, especially when there is nothing that you can do about it.
I managed to finish up the work day, and that night Keith and I both did our research on the computer. http://www.tttsfoundation.org/. This was the first website I read which had some really good information, but also very upsetting when reading the message boards. If you have some time, take a look. The "during pregnancy"boards are encouraging....but it's the "loss of both" or "loss of one" which really made me realize how serious the disease is. (by the way I apologize for my poor grammatical skills, I realize I am writing both in the past and present at the same time).
All week, I read and read...but the more informed I became, the more upset I was. Sometimes knowing to much is not a good thing. The only thing I read that I could do to help was bedrest and drinking Boost 3 times a day. This has been researched by Dr. De Lia, who believes that "TTTS patients at mid-pregnancy have severe hypoproteinemia and anemia" and drinking Boost on top of your regular meals may help correct any malnourishment problems.
I began drinking the Boost immediately, however became extremely bloated as I was consuming an extra 800-900 calories a day (I didn't know at this time that you're suppose to sip the drink throughout the day, not consume each can at one sitting). The bedrest was impossible as I was still working, and had my little Emily to look after. Luckily it was a short work week, and we went home to Fredericton for Easter where I was able to relax, and didnt' have to look after Emily as much, because she had her cousins, Alex and Austin around to play with, plus most of my family to help out.
I didn't talk much about what I knew about TTTS with my family or friends, because I wanted to enjoy my weekend, and not spend the entire time crying. Poor Keith had to deal with that. Every night we'd spend some time talking about it, and really you can't talk about it without getting upset. He was also good at nights in taking most of the responsability looking after Emily.
It was a very emotional, and LONG week waiting for that next ultrasound to find out how my girls were doing. When you fear the health of your babies...your perspective on life can change very quickly. I didn't care about anything other then growing these babies into healthy little girls. Any issues on money were soon forgotten as my life now had a new focus.
No comments:
Post a Comment