I remember typing to you last year around this time...I believe it was the second longest week of my life. Trying desperately to hold Phoebe and Ursula in a little bit longer....that week had my 30th birthday in it, also Mother's Day, and of course Jessica and Alyssa's birth day. This year this week again has my birthday, Mother's day and this year Race day, and the girls 1st birthday...Alyssa's 1st birthday party.
People are always asking me "How are you doing" as we get closer to the year mark, which feels deja vu and makes me think back to those days after Jessica passed away. I knew it was a common, normal question, but every time I heard it shortly after her death, I became angry, and wondered why people didn't think before they spoke. I mean really, I just lost my baby, how do you think I'm doing???? Because it was very few people that REALLY wanted to know how we were doing, it's an awkward conversation to some, uncomfortable to most, and not a feeling of welcome, even when people say "I'm here anytime you want to chat". Unless you had a box of kleenex and AT LEAST a half an hour, then you really didn't want to listen. I could see it in people's face's...they would ask the question or say a remark all squeamish and uncomfortable hoping that I wouldn't really take them up on divulging into a deep honest conversation...and relax when I didn't. I told people what they wanted to hear for the most part..."I'm ok, doing as best as I can considering" It felt so rehearsed. Even the people I am closest to, my own family, I said what came the easiest to move on from the conversation. That is my fault. I tried to make things easier for them and myself...which brings me to today.
How am I doing this week? On the positive side...well I don't get angry when you ask me this question for one. But you will still probably get the same response I gave a year ago. "I'm ok, doing as best as I can considering". Also, I can go to bathroom by myself and wipe my own behind without relying on a bedpan, which in my mind was a terribly embarrassing and helpless feeling.
I mentioned a couple posts back that I was going to start training for another half marathon which happened to be on Mother's Day...well I did most of the training, minus a couple weeks off for illnesses and other things going on in my life. And the race is this coming Sunday, I absolutely love race day, and get extremely excited when I see runner's out doing there thing especially Sunday morning. Last spring and summer as we drove to the hospital everyday, I watched the runner's on the Bedford Highway with envy...wishing that was me, this year it was...I wonder if there is a poor shmuck in my shoes watching me as I run wishing they could feel free and independent rather then lost and scared as they face the challenges of the NICU.
So yes, for the most part I'm ok, honestly. Alyssa had a great year free from being admitted to the hospital. In the past month I get very little sleep, and my thoughts on the matter have changed recently. I'm tired, but I'm lucky to be able to get up with her...even if it is 3 am. How we went from sleeping through the night, to regular nightly awakenings I dont' know, but it will pass I'm sure. She will only be small and wanting my cuddles for so long. So I'll take them no matter what time of the day it is.
On the negative this week, I am sore. I've managed to hurt my knee again this year, and also hurt my other leg slightly from overcompensating for the bad knee. I will take the rest of the week off to rest in hope I will feel better race day. I can walk fine, but stairs are a bit of a challenge, especially going down. And after all of this training I am still 10 lbs overweight from where I would like to be, I didn' t lose a single pound with all of this running, pumping and breastfeeding. Weight isn't everything and it is not the focus of my life...but every once in a while when I am getting dressed, I see glimpses of my old self (if I suck in hard enough)...not that I was ever in fantastic shape, but I had more confidence at one point. Maybe my new spanx will help with this ;)
This past year I haven't felt like myself with body image yes, but mainly mentally. I often wonder if I will ever be "me" again. I have caught glimpses of the old me occasionally where I feel very happy and positive and full of energy, mainly while running, but it doesn't last long, I can only run for so long.
I feel disconnected and like some alter ego watching from the outside. I know how I want to be and how I want to feel. But I just can't seem to get there, I can't even explain it. I feel sad and like I've disconnected myself from Jessica this year, which I feel terrible about, but it is how I got through the year. Instead of feeling that closeness to something bigger...our angel or God, that some mother's feel after they've lost a child, I ignored the feelings I was having or pushed aside any thoughts that would make me feel vulnerable. I'm feeling a little lost for words right now. I've never really been good at embracing my feelings, other then here I guess. So...the big question "how am I doing this week?", I'm still here, and I'm ok....doing the best I can considering.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Balloons, cakes, and angels
Wowsers. Alyssa is turning 1 in less then a month. I can't believe it has been almost a year since the day I delivered two perfect little girls weighing less then 3 1/2 pounds together. I will always wish that Jessica could be here with us, healthy, happy and alive, but I know that this wasn't possible. She wouldn't have been healthy or happy...she is happy watching over us now, and watching over her big sister helping us plan her very special birthday. I can just hear her saying... (if she could talk)
Now Mommy, don't be sad, I know you miss me, and I miss you too, but now is not the time. We have some planning to do, and celebrating, with balloons, and cake, and yes....angels too. My twin sister is going to be 1 year old, and she's done so well this year. She deserves a big party with family and friends and happiness. I've done my best to keep her out of the hospital you know, that's my job...to protect her as much as I can. As for me, I know you won't forget me, but let Alyssa have her day...and then in a month time we can cry together on my anniversary. I love you Mommy....
and I love you too Jessica, more then ever.
Now Mommy, don't be sad, I know you miss me, and I miss you too, but now is not the time. We have some planning to do, and celebrating, with balloons, and cake, and yes....angels too. My twin sister is going to be 1 year old, and she's done so well this year. She deserves a big party with family and friends and happiness. I've done my best to keep her out of the hospital you know, that's my job...to protect her as much as I can. As for me, I know you won't forget me, but let Alyssa have her day...and then in a month time we can cry together on my anniversary. I love you Mommy....
and I love you too Jessica, more then ever.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Them vs Us
When you lose a baby, the world feels like it is divided into those who have lost (US), and those who have not lost (THEM). Same feelings when you've been through the full NICU experience...you feel like you can relate and be yourself around those who understand your situation the most vs everyone else who has had a healthy happy pregnancy and delivery, and fortunate to have a happy healthy baby.
I'm sure it has been very obvious in most of my blog that I too have felt like this. Honestly, part of me will probably always feel this way. But I also feel lately that I am starting to become one of you...and starting to come over to the other side. I WAS a very angry person, I was very depressed, to the point where I didn't know if Keith and I would remain together, I spent all my time wondering why us, and really hating everyone else. I too felt SOME of the same things that many of my grief buddies still feel...upset to hear of friends/family's pregnancies, upset to see other pregnant women (well for me it is mainly seeing other sets of twins)....bitter that some people do not appreciate the children they have, and do not treat them as well as I would have treated and cared for Jessica, angry on how ungrateful some people are....etc. I've found that in meeting with my grief buddies lately, sometime I feel more down and depressed after meeting up with them then I did before. I think it is great that we can all "rant" to each other, and I will always listen...but I don't feel the same way they do about everyone. I don't think you are all ungrateful, and I don't think everyone means to hurt us baby lost mamma's intentionally...I mean really, we are all hurt very easily and can take anything that anyone says personally, so I feel for YOU too...
Babies are miracles. They are SO amazing and wonderful, and almost all babies are incredibly cute, and so helpless and innocent. But in saying that, they are also a lot of work, and can be tiring at times. Mom's who have lost their only babies, don't see this side of it, because they've never experienced all the joy and stress of their baby here on earth very long. I've been on both sides at the same time, and although I would take having my baby here on earth more then anything, I still wine occasionally too, but NOT to my grief buddies. I'm writing this because I often feel that people think they cannot "rant" to me about their stressors, or how difficult life can be with one, or two babies especially. Maybe a couple months ago...fair enough I probably would have thought..."how ungrateful you are to complain about how busy and tired you are with one or two babies...be happy they are alive." This was me still feeling sorry for myself...which I will probably continue to do on and off for years to come. But in reality, life can be stressful and tiring. I get exhausted with one baby and an older sibling from time to time, it is not a piece a cake. Thankfully, Alyssa finally started sleeping through the night...she was never a great night sleeper or day napper. Just because I complain, does not mean that I am ungrateful, nor is everyone else. I feel for you mothers who have twins during the busy and hectic times...I want to be you, but also wonder how you do it. I envy you.
Yesturday I went to the IWK for Alyssa's 3rd RSV shot. I met a friend of mine who is a wonderful mom to twin boys. Sometimes I feel like everytime she sees me, she feels she needs to tell me how grateful she is, vision problems and all. I know you are grateful, and busy, and sometimes probably also miss your time to yourself. You are allowed to complain to me G :)During this visit I also saw a young girl in a full body wheelchair with many gadgets. She couldn't talk or move, or eat. I saw her blink. I don't know her story, and I have no right to guess it. But at that moment I knew that I didn't want Jessica to have to suffer like that. I knew that I would never want her to live with no quality of life (even though I know she would never have lived that long), seeing her made me realize that our decision was the right one for us.
The purpose of this post was to simply say. I love my babies with all my heart, but some nights I am so happy it is time for bed.
I'm sure it has been very obvious in most of my blog that I too have felt like this. Honestly, part of me will probably always feel this way. But I also feel lately that I am starting to become one of you...and starting to come over to the other side. I WAS a very angry person, I was very depressed, to the point where I didn't know if Keith and I would remain together, I spent all my time wondering why us, and really hating everyone else. I too felt SOME of the same things that many of my grief buddies still feel...upset to hear of friends/family's pregnancies, upset to see other pregnant women (well for me it is mainly seeing other sets of twins)....bitter that some people do not appreciate the children they have, and do not treat them as well as I would have treated and cared for Jessica, angry on how ungrateful some people are....etc. I've found that in meeting with my grief buddies lately, sometime I feel more down and depressed after meeting up with them then I did before. I think it is great that we can all "rant" to each other, and I will always listen...but I don't feel the same way they do about everyone. I don't think you are all ungrateful, and I don't think everyone means to hurt us baby lost mamma's intentionally...I mean really, we are all hurt very easily and can take anything that anyone says personally, so I feel for YOU too...
Babies are miracles. They are SO amazing and wonderful, and almost all babies are incredibly cute, and so helpless and innocent. But in saying that, they are also a lot of work, and can be tiring at times. Mom's who have lost their only babies, don't see this side of it, because they've never experienced all the joy and stress of their baby here on earth very long. I've been on both sides at the same time, and although I would take having my baby here on earth more then anything, I still wine occasionally too, but NOT to my grief buddies. I'm writing this because I often feel that people think they cannot "rant" to me about their stressors, or how difficult life can be with one, or two babies especially. Maybe a couple months ago...fair enough I probably would have thought..."how ungrateful you are to complain about how busy and tired you are with one or two babies...be happy they are alive." This was me still feeling sorry for myself...which I will probably continue to do on and off for years to come. But in reality, life can be stressful and tiring. I get exhausted with one baby and an older sibling from time to time, it is not a piece a cake. Thankfully, Alyssa finally started sleeping through the night...she was never a great night sleeper or day napper. Just because I complain, does not mean that I am ungrateful, nor is everyone else. I feel for you mothers who have twins during the busy and hectic times...I want to be you, but also wonder how you do it. I envy you.
Yesturday I went to the IWK for Alyssa's 3rd RSV shot. I met a friend of mine who is a wonderful mom to twin boys. Sometimes I feel like everytime she sees me, she feels she needs to tell me how grateful she is, vision problems and all. I know you are grateful, and busy, and sometimes probably also miss your time to yourself. You are allowed to complain to me G :)During this visit I also saw a young girl in a full body wheelchair with many gadgets. She couldn't talk or move, or eat. I saw her blink. I don't know her story, and I have no right to guess it. But at that moment I knew that I didn't want Jessica to have to suffer like that. I knew that I would never want her to live with no quality of life (even though I know she would never have lived that long), seeing her made me realize that our decision was the right one for us.
The purpose of this post was to simply say. I love my babies with all my heart, but some nights I am so happy it is time for bed.
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